Androux – Book 1 – Volume 1

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The Adventures Of Androux: The Off-White Flower Picker

Androux woke up with a start. It was just a bad dream but it felt so real and he was scared by it. He got up and walked to his bathroom which was an en suite and he splashed some water over his face. Unfortunately, due to the blindness in his left ear he got the wrong water and splashed poo water on his face by mistake. Quickly he washed it off his face with banana soap and went about his day with no idea of what was in store for him.

Androux had breakfast and got ready to leave the house. He went to his front door to open it. It was a nice door. He reached to open the door. He touched the doorknob. “Fuck me, that’s a nice door” said Androux, whilst turning the doorknob to open it. The door slowly creaked open and Androux felt the cold morning air against his skin. He then decided to go back inside because he realised he hadn’t put any clothes on.

“I am a man of panic,” Androux said to himself as he calmed himself from the nearly going outside not wearing any clothes. He grabbed the nearest pair of socks and stuffed them on hastily; he was now ready for the day! He burst through the nice door and into the world; it was going to be a busy day. The mayor had asked him personally to collect all of the off-white flowers in the town and it was a responsibility he didn’t take lightly.

Androux picked the first white flower. It screamed. The scream shattered the windows of all the nearby houses and set off all the car alarms. “Sorry about that” said the flower, “I was just thinking about that one time I played Silent Hill.” Androux took the flower and put it in his hair, so he could be a pretty little girl. “Crikey” said Androux, “I should probably stop doing all that crystal meth.”

But crystal meth was part of his genetic make-up; to stop doing it would mean to wither away into dust. It was at this point Androux remembered he was completely out of crystal meth; without a second thought he dashed off to his dealer’s house. His face fell when he arrived, a note on the door read “Currently closed in order to help prevent the spread of COVID-19, we apologise for any inconvenience caused and are working around the clock to re-establish a supply chain. We thank you for your understanding.” Androux needed crystal meth and he needed it fast.

Androux decided that the only way to get crystal meth was to do a deal with the devil. He took his phone out of his pocket and dialled the number 666. Suddenly a pentagram appeared on the floor in front of him and Lucifer rose out of the ground. “Sup man” said Lucifer, the almighty bringer of evil. “Excuse me sir, but could you spare me some crystal meth? I appear to be running low,” asked Androux. “Sure dude” responded Lucifer, the satanic ruler of chaos, “how much do you need?” “Just enough to get me through this next shift, those white flowers don’t pick themselves you know!” Responded Androux. “Alright” said Lucifer, the dark lord of all that is unpure, handing him the meth. Androux took the meth from him and injected it all at once into his penis. “Thank you Satan, my friendly neighbourhood meth dealer!” said Androux, as he left to pick up more flowers. “No probs,” replied Lucifer, as he vanished back into his unholy domain.

Androux finished picking all of the white flowers and in record time too! He happily skipped off to the mayor’s 3-bedroom unfurnished rental property to hand in all of the flowers. “Hello Mayor Derkle! I’ve finished picking all of those white flowers like you asked, where should I put them?” Mayor Derkle stared at Androux for a moment, his face slowly contorted with rage. “You fool!” The mayor began, “I distinctly told you to pick all the OFF-white flowers! I hope you’re happy, thanks to your incompetence the dinners of all the townsfolk shall be ruined! Get out of my sight, you’re sacked mate.”

“What do you mean all the OFF-white flowers? What does that even mean!” shouted Androux in confusion. “I DON’T KNOW!” Responded the mayor, before suddenly sneezing approximately 13 crayons out of his nose. Androux decided at this point he had seen enough and it was time for him to leave. As Androux left the mayor’s 3-bedroom unfurnished rental property, he wondered what he was supposed to do for money. He needed a new job, but picking white flowers was all he knew. He had studied the art of picking white flowers at the University of Cambridge and graduated at the top of his class. He decided that this wouldn’t get him down however, as the world was his oyster and he could do whatever he wanted. And then the world turned into an oyster.

Book 1