Androux The Off-White: “After falling to my doom with RickAndMortyFan69, I found myself trapped in the land of the dead by some weeb chick. There, I was offered a perilous choice:”
Annie-May: “So Androux, what will it be: stay here and accept your fate, or return to the land of the living, but with deadly consequences?”
Androux the Off-White: “It was one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever had to make. I almost made the decision to stay, but then my saviour came in the most unlikely form.”
A portal opened up in the land of the dead and a familiar face poked his head out.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Androux! Quickly, take my hand if you want to see your friends again! Don’t think about it just do it!”
Androux the Off-White: “It was against my better judgement to accept salvation from my killer, but at this point I had very few options. We ended up being sucked back through time and space, until we ended up in a place I hadn’t seen in a very long time.”
Androux: “Hang on, I recognise this place! The en suite bathroom, the banana soap, the poo water, the very nice doorknob – I’m home!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “This is what we call and epic cinematic call-back.”
Androux: “But why are YOU of all people helping me, particularly after what you did? You killed me! What’s the meaning of this RickAndMortyFan69? Are you trying to subvert your own expectations now, ruining your own character arc? Explain yourself!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Spare me your insults Androux. For your information I didn’t do it for you, I did it to save my YouTube channel!”
Androux: “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “My father is planning a great purge that is going to make YouTube video essayists like myself redundant. Unfortunately, you are the only one capable of stopping him. That’s why I had to save you.”
Androux: “Why am I the only one capable of stopping him?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Because you are the main character.”
Androux: “Good point. So how am I supposed to stop The King?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Fortunately enough for you, I know how to stop him. The only way to truly defeat The King is to beat him at his own game; you must become an even more intellectual™ film™ critic™ than he is.”
Androux: “I…… I’m not sure I have it in me.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I can show you the way Androux; a creature from the Ether told me that if we fuse my power of complaining about Star Wars online, with your power of being the main character, we can become unstoppable!”
Androux: “So me and you will become one? Eww.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’m not much of a fan of it either, but it’s the only way. Plus it will only be for a short while. Once the transformation is complete, I will exist in your mind to give you the guidance you need to stop The King. So Androux, what do you say?”
Androux: “The idea of you being inside my head creeps me out, but if it’s the only way to stop The King, let’s do it!”
Androux The Off-White: “RickAndMortyFan69’s body dissipated and his essence entered my mind. In that moment, I transformed from the virgin regular Androux into the chad Androux the Off-White.”
Androux The Off-White: “I feel, THE POWER!!! So RickAndMortyFan, what’s the plan?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “First of all we need to get from your house on the space oyster, back to the doom fortress of doom. What a story with BAD WRITING would do is teleport you over there in order to save time and get to the good bits quicker, but since we have GOOD WRITING, we will now partake in a 50-hour walking montage as we make our way over to the fortress. It’s more realistic that way.”
10 minutes of walking later.
Androux The Off-White: “You know what, can we just do the teleport thing? This is really boring.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “On second thought, this walking thing is actually really boring. I can see why they stopped showing this stuff in Game Of Thrones, I have no idea why I complained about it so much. Androux before we teleport to the doom fortress of doom, I just wanted to say, about what I did to you before…… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shot you. It was……. uncalled for.”
Androux The Off-White: “We’ll deal with our apologies later. Right now we have a much bigger task at hand.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You’re right, let’s go! FOR THE CHARACTER ARCS!”
Androux The Off-White: “And that, my dear friend is how…”
Mayor Derkle: “Well… fuck.”
They had been so preoccupied with the amazing story of how Androux the Off-White came to be, that neither of them had noticed what was going on behind them. The first they knew was being knocked flying by a gigantic robot hand.
Mayor Derkle: “Oh, of course he’d have a giant fighting robot! Androux what do we do?”
ATOW: “We… we run!”
Without another word, the two got up and ran out the door and back onto the bridge; the giant robot was in hot pursuit. Due to it having longer legs than those of either Derkle or Androux the Off-White, it quickly caught up with them. It leapt over them and landed in front of them, obstructing their path. The bridge made some ominous structurally impaired noises and a few cracks began to form. The King could be seen smirking in a window near the top of the robot, a speaker crackled into life.
The King: “Well well well… looks like it’s the end of the line for you now. I said you will die for what you did and I don’t see any way you can avoid that. You see this robot is made out of the toughest material around, plot armour!”
ATOW & Derkle: “PLOT ARMOUR?!!”
Derkle: “Androux tell me you have a plan.”
ATOW: “There’s nothing we can do, plot armour is impenetrable… how even did you get hold of it?”
The King: “How did I get hold of it you ask? Okay, I’ll tell you, since there’s no way you’re going anywhere anyway, it all started on a Tuesday…” (The king continues rambling)
ATOW: “Okay that should keep him distracted. Now Derkle I’m going to need you to trust me, we’re going to jump but you need to stick close to me or else you’ll be in danger – I have a certain exploitable power I’m about to use.”
Derkle: “You’re crazy, jumping off the bridge would be suicide!”
ATOW: “Oh Derkle, you’re forgetting one thing.”
Derkle: “What’s that?”
Androux the Off-White smiled and took off the sunglasses which had just appeared on his face for specifically this reason.
ATOW: “I’m the main character.”
And with that the pair of them jumped off the bridge and began the plunge into the dark abyss. All of a sudden they were no longer falling; just at the improbably perfect moment, Me-Me had made it back into the Doom Fortress of Doom so she was able to catch them before they hit the bottom. She pulled the mighty dragon into a deep climb aiming at a weak spot in the roof. They burst through, sending large rocks cascading down onto the bridge where The King was still monologuing. The already weakened bridge was unable to sustain this bombardment of rubble and collapsed – it was now The King’s turn to tumble into the abyss.
ATOW: “That won’t stop him – that armour will protect him. We will see him again, but before we do, we need to prepare ourselves.”
Me-Me: “Then it’s time I took you to my home town of Flargleteegibbernet. I have connections there – the League of Warrens owes me a favour.”
Derkle: “The League of Warrens? I thought they were a myth?”
ATOW: “What is the League of Warrens?”
Me-Me: “A huge network of male ginger men who predominantly work in supermarkets who all look really similar to each other.”
ATOW: “And how are they going to help us?”
Me-Me: “You’d be amazed at what can be overheard in a supermarket. Also they have a really cool secret base with all kinds of resources we can use.”
ATOW: “Well then… to Flargleteegibbernet we go!”
Once some AA men hauled SouthParkFan420 out of the abyss, he returned to his doom fortress of doom to rethink his strategy. He poured himself a glass of wine and gazed out of the window of the tallest tower of the fortress, looking out onto the planet’s surface. After a few moments of introspection, he pulled out a radio from his pocket and began speaking into it:
SouthParkFan420: “Gentlemen, I believe it’s time.”
The King sat in silence with his wine for a little while longer, until that silence was gradually dissipated by the sound of vibrations that grew louder and louder by the second. The floors and walls began to shake, but the King didn’t seem to mind this. Instead he continued to sit there with his wine, reading his copy of Trivial non-issues to get unnecessarily angry about monthly. Another few moments passed and he decided move back over to the window, staring up at the sky as if anticipating that something big. His anticipation did not go unrewarded, as thousands of internet police gunships began to pour out of the sky and headed straight for Jupiter’s surface. They came into land, neatly lining themselves up outside the doom fortress of doom. Internet police soldiers began to disembark and organised themselves into their ranks. They looked up at the tower that The King resided in, as if awaiting some kind of orders.
SouthParkFan420: “My brethren! It is an honour be in the in the company of so many intellectual film critics! I’m sure so many of you here have written 15-hour video essays on why the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy can cause bowel cancer! Most of you have probably watched every episode of Richard and Mortimer over 300 times, and for this I thank you! You are all geniuses!”
Internet Police Soldiers: *Cheers*
SouthParkFan420: “Unfortunately, there are some people out there that don’t share our refined taste in fictional entertainment! There are those out there, who actually like the new Star Wars Films!”
Internet Police: *Boos*
SouthParkfan420: “There are also those out there, that thought The Last Of Us 2 was basically okay!”
Internet police: *Boos louder*
SouthParkFan420: “There are even those who enjoyed the final season of Game Of Thrones!”
Internet Police: *Hisses*
SouthParkFan420: “But no more, for today we take our stand against those who don’t use media analysis to inflate their own egos! Against those who watch films purely to ‘enjoy them’ without unnecessarily overanalysing ever single aspect!”
Internet Police: *Cheers louder*
SouthParkFan420: “You know what needs to be done, crush anyone who doesn’t think Attack of the Clones is a Shakespearean tragedy”.