Androux – Book 1 – Volume 7

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Androux And The Doom Fortress Of Doom

Androux, Derkle, Steve, Me-Me and the white flower made their way on the Blue-Eyes White Dragon to SouthParkFan420’s doom fortress of doom. They knew that this was The King’s doom fortress of doom, because it had a big sign saying ‘The King’s doom fortress of doom’ on it. “So Androux, is this what you saw in your dream?” Me-me asked him whilst she was piloting the dragon. “I think so, but it’s quite fuzzy. I only saw brief flashes of it” he replied. “Well considering the big sign and the fact there aren’t any other doom fortresses around here, we don’t exactly have much room for interpretation” the white flower butted in. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that” interjected Mayor Derkle, “I was planning on redesigning my 3-bedroom unfurnished rental property to look just like that.” “But why?” asked Steve, who was doing important things that were definitely very important to this moment in time. “I DON’T KNOW!” shouted Derkle, shooting another 13 crayons out of his nose. The King’s doom fortress of doom was clearly not of Jupitonian design, as it had like, you know, walls and stuff. Its external appearance resembled a giant skull surrounded by walls made of fire. It also floated slightly off the ground, because of that whole thing about Jupiter not having a true surface and all that. “Over there! I think I see a place we can land!” Me-me communicated to the others, as she pointed to a big square with the words ‘free parking’ written on it, accompanied by a picture of a red car. “That’s it! I remember now, it’s just like I saw in my dream!” recollected Androux. “Prepare yourselves everyone, who knows what dangers we could experience here” Me-me said to the others, bringing the Blue-Eyes into land on the free parking spot.

They had barely touched the ground when they heard the distinctive yerping sounds of a pack of Gruntles fast approaching. “Gruntles!” Androux yelled in warning to the others. “Stand back” the white flower commanded before discharging a wide, bright pink laser beam from the tip of his stalk. The Gruntles were reduced to mere ash. “Where did you learn to do that?” Derkle queried. “Fish battalion 5” responded the white flower. “Just stay alert” Steve stated, “Gruntles will be the least of your obstacles here” he continued. Nobody responded to Steve’s warning, almost as if it never even happened. “I think we need to keep our guard up; I get the impression Gruntles will be the least of our worries in there” Androux remarked. They cautiously approached the large, heavily fortified wooden doors of The King’s doom fortress of doom. “How are we going to get through those?” asked a concerned Me-Me. She had barely finished her sentence when an ember was spat from the burning wall onto the doors, engulfing them in flames and forging a path for them. Androux turned around to face his group; “before we go any further, I want to give you all the opportunity to turn back. We know this will be dangerous – we don’t know if we’ll make it back out alive and even if we do, we could emerge permanently altered. If any of you want to turn back, now is the time to do it.” “Androux, I will not leave your side in this time of need, for me this is personal” Derkle boldly exclaimed. “I’ve sworn an oath to protect Steve. Where he goes, I go!” Me-Me stated. “I don’t have anything else to do right now so why not” Steve said. “I don’t have legs and I’m in your hair Androux so I’m with you too!” Androux paused for a moment, “well then… let’s go.”

Meanwhile, on the other side of the doom fortress of doom; two Jupitonians were having a conversation whilst guarding The King’s secret entrance to the fortress. “Bro, last night I watched like, soooooo much Rick and Morty.” “Hell yah bro so did I! I had 3 TVs set up in my room so I could watch multiple episodes at once!” “Really bro? That’s hardcore as FUCK maaaan.” “I know man. Last night I was bragging to my girlfriend about how I can quote every episode by heart. She was like, soooooo into it dude!” “Hell yeah brother! Chicks love guys who base their entire philosophical worldview on cartoons!” The two ‘dudes’ proceeded to high five each other; once they completed their little ceremony, they were greeted by a strange cloaked figure standing before them. “I think you’ll find that the full title of the show is actually Richard and Mortimer”, spoke the shadowy figure, in a voice that sounded like the bastard love-child of the comic book guy from The Simpsons, and Sandy from Daria. “Whoah like dude, like, we can’t let you in dude, you like, don’t have the proper authorisation dude.” “He’s right dude, unless like, you can like, prove you’re on our side dude and you’re like not one of, like, the bad people dude.” “Yeah dude, just who do you think you are?” Once the two intellectuals had stopped interrogating the cloaked figure, it had the chance to respond: “I am the shadow in the night, the bringer of your undoing. I have watched every episode of Richard and Mortimer over 600 times each, sometimes even in different languages. Whilst you were out partying with girls, I studied the blade.” Once saying this, the mysterious man proceeded to wave his arms around dramatically, as if to imply he was waving some kind of imaginary sword around. After this, the two Jupitonian guards stared at each other with a blend of confusion and amazement, then gazed back at the cloaked man. “Alright dude you’re clearly one of us, so you can come through. Fucking hell dude, even Chad here isn’t as pretentious as you.” “Chud is right dude, and I’m reeeeaaaally pretentious.” The cloaked figure made its way to the secret entrance, which consisted of a small trampoline that allowed the user to bounce directly onto the doom fortress of doom. “Just one more thing dude. What do you like, plan on doing in there?” The shadow man paused just before getting onto the trampoline, then looked back at Chad and Chud. “There’s someone’s character arc I need to ruin.”

Androux and co cautiously stepped into the doom fortress of doom; it was dimly lit but it was just about possible to make out a floating island in the middle of it with long bridges spanning in four directions, one of which leading to where they now stood. “Well I suppose we go to the centre and figure it out from there.” Androux stated, trying to sound more certain of where he was going than he was. Once they reached the centre, they noticed each bridge had a sign on it labelling where it goes. “Oh look” Androux began, “each bridge has a sign on it labelling where it goes, how useful!” “This one over here reads ‘Express route to Mr The Kings Lair’” Me-Me exclaimed. They all agreed that this would be the most sensible way to go. They proceeded on this bridge but something felt wrong in the atmosphere; with increasing dread they continued on. “There’s something moving ahead!” yelled the white flower. Sure enough there was a dark cloaked figure heading toward them; they stopped in their tracks but the figure kept coming until it was standing merely two metres away. “I’m afraid I cannot let you pass Androux” it said in an immediately recognisable voice. “RickandMortyFan69 once again” said Derkle with clear distain in his voice, “let me end this once and for all Androux!” “No!” Androux commanded, “This is my battle, I want you and the others to go back and find another route, you know Mr The King better than anyone, you must be the one to lead them into victory, I’ll hold him off”. Derkle opened his mouth to protest, after a long pause he accepted what Androux had commanded, “Well Androux, I know I can’t stop you… I guess I’ll see you on the other side of this.” “Just don’t let the oyster earth story arc fall Derkle.” “I won’t Androux, I won’t”. Without another word Derkle lead the others away to find another route. “Thank you 69 for waiting patiently while we sorted that all out,” Androux said addressing RickandMortyFan69. “I didn’t do it for you! This battle is between you and me. Let this be our final battle!” “I intend it to be,” said Androux as he pulled from his pocket a large electrified extending spoon. “You cease to surprise me Androux… I knew you would pull some stupid plot device out of your pocket, so I read ahead”. RickandMortyFan69 pulled out an identical spoon.  The two became locked in intense electro-extendo-spoon battle. They were remarkably evenly matched, with each dodging or blocking the others attack. A single gunshot was heard echoing through the entire chamber; Androux fell to the ground. “This is what happens Androux, this is what you get for pulling out wild plot devices out of nowhere all the time… Why are you smiling? I won! I beat you!” Androux, weak and lying in a pool of his own blood was chuckling. “Y-you underestimate my true power; do you know what happens when you f-focus claps? I’ll show you.” It took all of his fast-dwindling energy but he began clapping; the bridge began to shake. RickandMortyFan69 looked morty-fied, “What? Stop it! This doesn’t make any sense, clapping doesn’t have the power to do anything! It’s just the sound of two hands smacking together. It just makes sound! It can’t do anything else!” The bridge began to crack; finally, with the last of his energy Androux brought the bridge down and both tumbled into the dark abyss. “What the fuck, this is so duuuuuuumb” Yelled RickandMortyFan69 as he fell.

Book 1