Androux woke up at the bottom of the abyss, surprised to find himself still alive. “Wha-, where am I?” Androux clutched the wound where the bullet went in, only to find no evidence at all that he had been shot. “How can this be, how am I still alive?” After scanning his surroundings, Androux came across a small note on the ground. It had a little pentagram drawn on the back of it. On the other side was some hand-written text, penned in blood-red ink: Hey Androux, as my most valued customer I would be disappointed if I were to ever lose your financial support, so I thought I’d do something for you, just to say thanks – 666. Despite surviving his fall, some things were still not quite right. First of all, Androux was able to still see clearly, even though he was at the bottom of a deep abyss. Secondly, RickAndMortyFan69 was nowhere to be found. Androux looked up and noticed a small red light floating above him. Once seeing this light, it started to move further down the bottom of the trench. Androux followed it. After pursuing it for a few minutes, Androux started to hear a strange ominous voice in the distance; “uuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwuuuuuuuuu,” it beckoned. The light moved closer and closer to the voice and the voice got louder and lounder, yet a brave Androux continued to push forward. Suddenly, the light went out and the trench was left in pitch black for a few seconds. Then, the entire abyss lit up like and Christmas tree. After being dazzled by light for a few seconds, Androux took sight of a strange woman, sitting at a table before him. The woman was wearing a school girl outfit, despite very obviously being in her mid-to-late 20s, whilst possessing bright pink hair that defied the known laws of physics. “Who are you?” asked a confused Androux. “Hahaha!” she cackled. “My name is Annie-May and I will not allow you to enter this domain! Unless of course, you can beat my little game”. Annie-May then took out a deck of cards from her pocket and placed it on the table. At the opposite end of the table was another deck of cards, accompanied by an empty seat at the table. It was at this very moment that Androux clearly understood the gravity of the situation – he had been challenged to a children’s card game.
This posed quite a problem for Androux as he did not in fact know how to play this particular game. “Umm… Annie-May? Would it be ok if we played a different game because I don’t actually know how to play.” Annie-May considered this for a moment; she may have been positioned to deter people from entering the domain but she had principles, everyone deserved a fair chance at winning.
Annie-May: “Very well, we shall play another game, what did you have in mind?”
Androux: “What are the options?”
Annie-May: “Limitless. This room can shape shift into anything we want.”
Androux: “In that case, I challenge you to a race on the downhill, I will race in my trusty 2001 Green Skoda Fabia 1.9SDi.”
Annie-May: “Hmm… more specific than I anticipated but very well, I shall compete in a 2006 Skoda Fabia 1.2htp six valve, it’s also green but a slightly different green with it being the facelift model.
If there were an audience to this race, they would likely get bored by the tedious in depth talk about the ins and outs of the first-generation Skoda Fabia, so the two of them decided to get on with the race. Annie-May’s car had a slightly faster 0-60 time of 18.4 seconds compared to the 18.6 seconds of Androux, the petrol engine was also significantly lighter giving a handling advantage so she initially pulled ahead. Androux had a trick up his sleeve though; unbeknownst to Annie-May was the fact that Androux had pushed this vehicle to the limit on the real version of this road countless times – he knew how to get the best out of it at every turn. Annie-May was also a formidable driver which presented a challenge to Androux. Ultimately, he had to utilise the camber of a drainage ditch to gain enough of an advantage.
Annie-May: “I haven’t seen driving like that since perfectionist racing driver Mary-Sue. That was… something.”
Androux: “Well you didn’t make it easy, if you wouldn’t mind I’d like to enter that domain now… where does it go?”
Annie-May: “I can’t stop you, but please heed my warning; that door leads back to the land of the living but I urge you not to go through.”
Androux: “Why’s that?”
Annie-May: “There will be cosmic consequences – your story arc must come to a close without you or else terrible things will happen to you and your friends.”
Androux: “So I’m to just stay here? And why should I believe you?”
Annie May: “I can’t prove anything but I’m asking you to trust me; I’ve seen what happens Androux! I should have made you play the first game so I would’ve had the power to stop you. You will be able to return but this time your arc must be carried by the friends you’ve made along the way. What’ll it be?”
RickAndMortyFan69 woke up on a bed made of Salmons that had brie slices instead of gills. He gazed up at the sky and noticed it was made of a unique blend of raspberry jam and coconut milk. He sat up on the bed and looked down at the ground, only to see that it was made of a large herd of small tapirs with waffles instead of ears. After taking a few moments to take in the…… interesting scenery, RickAndMortyFan69 decided to go for a walk. Eventually, he came to a forest where the trees were made out of gammon sandwiches, with the headlights of a VW Lupo instead of leaves. Upon venturing deeper into the forest, a strange creature rose out of the ground, blocking the path of our pretentious little friend. It spoke in an angelic, whispering voice.
Ecived-Tolp: “Greetings my child, I am the Ecived-Tolp and welcome to the ether! This world exists to bridge unconnected story elements together and retcon poor writing decisions!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Ooooh, wow, am I supposed to be impressed? A character hastily introduced at the end of a story to tie up loose ends, how subtle. Hang on, didn’t I die?”
Ecived-Tolp: “Yes, that’s true, but we’ve decided to…… go back on some of our previous decisions. In other words, we’re retconning your death.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Retconning my death? That’s really original! If this place had good™ writing™ I would be completely dead. But noooooo, the meanie writers had to sUbVeRtExPeCtAtiOnS and keep me alive. Let me tell you I will be leaving this place a very negative review on IMDB. 4/10!”
Ecived-Tolp: “Yes, it’s true we are going back on our previous decision to kill you, but not without good reason; Androux is trapped in the world of the dead and we need you to get him out of there.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Why would I want to save Androux? He has no respect for character archways and epic forshadowing. I’m glad I killed him!”
Ecived-Tolp: “You don’t understand, watcher of Rick and the Morty, this conflict goes far beyond your petty troubles with Androux. Your father, SouthParkFan420, plans to use the Jupitonians and the Internet police to destroy anyone who doesn’t like the Star Wars Prequels. Only Androux has the power to stop him.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Why does only Androux have the power to stop him?”
Ecived-Tolp: “Because he is the main character.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Fair point, but I still don’t see why I should help you. Besides, who doesn’t like the Star Wars Prequels? They have such epic W O R L D B U I L D I N G.”
Ecived-Tolp: “A lot of people. Most people.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “That can’t be true! They’re cinematic masterpieces! Everyone on r/prequelmemes says so! Unless of course, you are saying that there are people outside my small, isolated echo chamber that have dissenting views?”
Ecived-Tolp: “Yes.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t care, I’ll never join you! Maybe everyone who doesn’t agree that Attack of the Clones is the greatest film ever made deserves to die!”
Ecived-Tolp: “Think about this carefully Mr MortyFan; if everyone who didn’t like the same films as you died, who would you brag to about how you have the best taste in fictional entertainment?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I…… I never thought of it like that. If they all died, then my YouTube account would become completely meaningless! I wouldn’t be able to spend my evenings arguing with people on Twitter about how the new Star Wars films are OBJECTIVELY BAD! All my hard work would be for nothing!”
Ecived-Tolp: “So, RichardAndMortimerFan69, will you help us?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “……… Fine, I’ll do it, but don’t expect me to enjoy it.”
Ecived-Tolp: “Very well, I will send you to the land of the dead where you can rescue Androux. Good luck!”