Androux – Book 1 – Volume 9

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Androux: Crayon Missiles Engage!

As Derkle and the gang were wandering across another of the bridges, the sound of a single gunshot stopped them in their tracks. Derkle turned around to see Androux collapsing on the adjacent bridge.

Derkle: “ANDROUX!”

Derkle didn’t know whether to be angry, concerned or upset. In the end, he did all three. He began to run toward Androux but was headed off by Me-Me.

Derkle: “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!! Get out of my way!”

Me-Me: “We have a job to do Derkle!”

Derkle: “Fuck the job! We have to save Androux!”

Me-Me: “And what would Androux think if he heard that hmm? Remember who you’re doing this for, remember what’s at stake and remember that he knew what he was in for when he split off. There’s nothing you can do for him now apart from honour his final wish to you.”

Derkle stood completely still. After a long pause and without uttering a single word, he turned around and continued walking down the bridge. The others followed suit. As they walked the bridge Androux was on began to collapse behind them. At the end of the bridge, a large set of doors loomed over them. The doors this time though were made of iron so there was no chance of them combusting before their eyes.

Flower: “Now what?”

Without acknowledging that anyone had even said anything, Derkle stepped forward towards a doorbell to the left of the doors. It was one of those horrible annoying ones with the camera that nobody ever answers, but nonetheless he pressed it. The button lit up in response and then they waited.

Me-Me: “Steve, I fear for the wellbeing of Mayor Derkle”

Steve: “As bad as it seems, this could in fact exactly what we need from Derkle to win this.”

After waiting an age, the annoying doorbell finally emitted what was an incredibly low quality and hard to understand replication of the voice of SouthParkFan420.

SouthParkFan420: ccckkkkkkzzzzzz… “Hello?”

Derkle: “You FUCK! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT THIS MOMENT OR I’LL FUCKING BITE MY WAY THROUGH YOU SHIT!”

SouthParkFan420: “Well that w… ccckkkzzz muse me but I got p…ans”

The doorbell fell silent. After a pause the large doors creaked open – the four had finally made it to the centre of the lair.

Steve and the significantly less important characters made their way deeper into the lair, unnerved by what monstrosities could be awaiting them. The lair was dead silent, until that silence was broken by a familiar voice echoing from the shadows.

SouthParkFan420: “So – you finally made it to my lair, just like I knew you would. I could have you all killed right now, but how about we settle this in a more, traditional manner?”

The great “King” of the internet police crawled out of the darkness, holding a deck of children’s trading cards. The King snapped his fingers and just like that, some Jutpitonian slaves came and quickly assembled a table out of boxsets of the Star Wars Prequel trilogy. The King added the final touch by placing a Konami© licenced duelling mat on top of it. It was time to duel.

Me-me: “Stand back everyone, I’ve got this!”

Me-me used her magical powers to conjure up her own deck of children’s trading cards, then placed them on the table (oh yeah, the has magical powers by the way, something to do with espers or some shit).

SouthParkFan420: “Since I’m feeling generous today, I’ll let you go first.”

Me-Me: “Fine. Let’s duel!”

Stupid overdramatic anime bullshit intensifies

Me-me: “My move! I summon Crystron Halqifibrax! This card allows me to special summon every card in the game, including cards that haven’t been invented yet, as well as cards from other completely unrelated card games! You’re finished Mr TheSouthParkKingFan69420!”

Me-Me began her 6000 card Halqifibrax combo, endlessly moving cards into an out of her 40-card deck. After a turn lasting roughly 3 hours, she ended on an impressive board of 35 Blue-Eyes White Dragons, 26 Cyber Dragon Infinitys, 60 Dark Magicians, 13 Ultimate Conductor Tyrannos, 19 Stardust Dragons and that fucking Dragun of Red-Eyes card that’s stupidly fucking overpowered.

Me-me: “Haha, beat that!”

Unfortunately enough for Me-me, SouthParkFan420 is a complete fucking loser who has no friends and is therefore a Mystic Mine player. The King activated Mystic Mine, which denies the opponent the ability to attack, activate monster effects, activate spell and trap effects, move, breathe, or even think independent thoughts.

SouthParkFan420: “Your 6000 card combo is no match for my generic, talentless, overpowered floodgate card. You lose!”

Me-me: “Well fuck.”

Upon losing the deadly card game, Me-me vanished into nothingness and in her place flashed some pixelated letters saying “Game Over”. This text was accompanied by some numbers representing how many points she had obtained in her life thus far. This incident would have spelled certain death for Me-me, but luckily she had remembered to save her game back where she parked the Blue-Eyes. Though she survived her encounter with The King, it would be almost impossible for her to make it back to the lair in time to save the others from their fate.

SouthParkFan420: “So, who’s next – perhaps a character that I’ve actually had some kind of previous interaction with?”

Mayor Derkle: “I expected more. I expected so much more than this. I lost a best friend today coming here; we’re at the centre of your lair where I expected some form of epic showdown and this, THIS is what we get?”

SouthParkFan420: “The stakes are high in this card game though.”

Mayor Derkle: “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW HIGH THEY ARE! It’s unoriginal, it’s lacklustre and it’s lazy. I came here for a FUCKING BOSS BATTLE!”

Mayor Derkle flipped the table with rage and then ran at King69. Before The King even knew what was happening, he was pinned to the floor by Derkle, who was now pounding The King’s face into the ground repeatedly. Steve, The White Flower and the Jupitonian guards stood stock still watching as the savage attack went on and on, for none of them knew what to do. After what felt an age Derkle finally ran out of steam. Gingerly he stood up and stepped away from the Pulped King. Two guards quickly stepped up and helped The King to his feet. Weak and unable to stand on his own, he issued a warning through his swollen face.

SouthParkFan420: “Y… You will die for th… this. Go fight yourselves.”

The King and his guards stepped back onto a platform behind them; the platform rose up depositing them in a viewing chamber above the lair. The stone walls then opened up to reveal five figures. Once the dust had settled, they were able to identify that the figures were robot versions of themselves – Androux-oid, Mayorbot Derkletron, Steve as a Robot, Chrome Flower and Mecha-Me.

Steve: “You should have just played the stupid card game.”

Androux- oid: “SCANNING. SURROUNDINGS… ERROR ERROR! ANDROUX NOT DETECTED, ANDROUX-OID IS NOT REQUIRED. ACTIVATING DEACTIVATION SEQUENCE.”

Mecha-Me: “SAME.”

The two surplus bots shut themselves down.

Mayor Derkle: “Well I guess the numbers are evenly matched now”

MayorbotDerkletron: “MAYORBOT DERKLETRON IS NOW CALCULATING BEST MOVE. BEST MOVE, LOADING. CRAYON MISSILE SEQUENCE, INITIATED.”

Derkletron’s nose hinged upward revealing approximately 13 nuclear crayon missiles primed and aimed at Derkle.

Derkle: “Fucking hell.”

Derkle jumped out the way as the thirteen or so crayons came flying at him – he successfully avoided obliteration, although he was grazed by shrapnel.

White Flower: “Looks like I’m up next!”

The Chrome flower aimed its stalk directly at the White flower.

Chrome Flower: “FIRING SPACE ROBOT LASERS!”

A wide, off-pink beam of laser fired squarely toward the White flower. Without any means of moving out the way things were not looking good. Steve upon seeing what was happening leapt in front of the flower. They both vanished, presumably vapourised.

Steve as a Robot: “Cancelling. Existence.”

Steve as a robot also vanished.

Mayor Derkle: “Okay, okay. This is bad, but I’ll be damned if I die whimpering in a corner, this is it, this is my moment. It’s all or nothing. FOR ANDROOOOUUUUUUX!”

Derkle left his cover and charged at Derkletron. The Derkletron fired another barrage of nuclear crayons. With nowhere to hide this was surely it; the room was filled with a thick dust as the crayons detonated. The dust settled to reveal Androux, now sporting an off-white robe and holding in a defensive position his extendo-electro-spoon. He extended a hand to Mayor Derkle who was shielding behind his arms.

Mayor Derkle: “Androux? But how?”

Androux: “It’s Androux the off-white now, and that, my old friend is a long story.”

Book 1