Prologue:
A bell rang to indicate that the school day was at last at an end. Little Timmy packed up his things and got ready to leave. On his way home from school, he swung by the shops to buy Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker on Blu-Ray. Timmy loved Star Wars, as it was his favourite film series of all time. He had watched all the films more times than he could remember and couldn’t wait to finally complete the legendary saga. He didn’t have a favourite Star Wars film, because in a way, they were all his favourite.
He walked through the door, tossed his bags to one side and ran straight upstairs to his room. Once inside, he rapidly tore the shrink wrap off the box, barely able to contain his excitement, then shoved the disc right into his Blu-Ray player. He made himself comfortable and watched with bated breath as the opening titles began:
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…….
Suddenly, just as was the film was starting, a man wearing riot gear with an assault rifle crashed through Timmy’s bedroom window, neatly combat rolling before pointing his gun at Timmy.
Officer 1: “Internet police! Don’t move!”
Seconds later another man wearing similar gear kicked down the bedroom door to assist his comrade. They both had their guns trained squarely at Timmy’s face.
Officer 2: “Get down on the ground NOW! Put your hands behind your head right now! I SAID, PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!”
Little Timmy, who was utterly bewildered by everything that was going on right now, did as they said.
Timmy: “What’s going on? Who are you people and why are you here?”
Officer 2: “We’re with the internet police, and you are in some deep shit boy.”
Officer 1: “Did you really think you could get away from us, huh? You really thought you could watch The Rise of Skywalker without us knowing about it? DID YOU REALLY THINK WE WOULD LET YOU GET AWAY WITH YOUR BULLSHIT!!!????”
Timmy: “I don’t get it; did I do something wrong?”
Officer 1: “Don’t play mind games with us Timothy, we know about your crimes and trust me, you will play a just price.”
One of the officers then spoke into his radio:
Officer 2: “Officer Buttmunch, the area is secure. I repeat: the area is secure”.
Radio: “Good work gentlemen, I will come down to meet you shortly. Over.”
A few minutes passed until Timmy and the two officers could hear the distinct sound of helicopter blades whirring overhead. The whirring noise got closer, until they saw a ladder roll down by the smashed window. A very large man adorned in armour climbed down it. When he finally got his bulky power armour through the window into Timmy’s room, the other two officers snapped to attention, indicating that he was in charge.
Officer 1: “Officer Buttmunch, the target has been neutralized as you commanded, sir!”
Officer Buttmunch: “Good work men, I will take things from here.”
The man known as officer Buttmunch took a few moments to examine Timmy. Timmy couldn’t see officer Buttmunch’s eyes due to his gigantic helmet, but he could feel them piercing through his very soul.
Officer Buttmunch: “Interesting choice of film you’re watching”.
Officer Buttmunch looked over to the TV in Timmy’s room, which had still been playing The Rise of Skywalker whilst all this chaos had been ensuing.
Timmy: “Erm, yeah, I erm, bought it at the shops today, I’ve, errr, been saving up my pocket money for a little whi-.”
Officer 1: “People like you make me sick to my stomach! Actually watching a Disney Star Wars film! You do realise that’s a category 9 hate crime?”
Officer 2: “Why aren’t you watching Revenge of the Sith anyway? I mean it’s the single most important film in the history of cinema!” (This is what r/prequelmemes actually believes).
Timmy: “But I’ve already seen that one! It’s on the shelf over there.”
Officer 2: “Then why aren’t you spending your every waking moment watching it over and over again? Are you not intellectually capable of comprehending the sophisticated nuance of the Shakespeareanesque dialogue?”
Timmy: “……. What?”
Officer 2: “I didn’t think so”.
Officer 1: “How much of the…… cursed film……. Did you watch anyway”.
Timmy said nothing.
Officer 1: “DON’T GIVE ME THE SILENT TREATMENT!!! I SAID, HOW MUCH OF THAT FILM DID YOU WATCH YOU LITTLE FUCK?????!!!!!”
Timmy: “Okay, fine! I just got past the opening titles before you guys showed up!”
The two officers recoiled in horror.
Officer 1: “……. You watched….. past the…….. oh God”.
The officer turned around and proceeded to empty the entire contents of his stomach onto the bedroom floor. His colleague ran out of the room screaming.
Officer 1: “People like you……. You make me fucking sick”.
The officer wiped the remaining vomit from his lips and attempted to regain his composure.
Officer 1: “15 years I’ve been on the force and never, and I mean NEVER have I seen such, disgusting depravity! I have to ask; how do you sleep at night?”
Officer Buttmunch: “ENOUGH!”
Officer Buttmunch finally glanced away from the TV and stared back at Timmy and the remaining officer.
Officer Buttmunch: “It’s true that watching The Rise of Skywalker is a category 9 hate crime, which is punishable by death by firing squad”.
Timmy: “WHAAAAAAT? For just watching a film? This has to be a joke!”
Officer Buttmunch: “It’s true, but I’m feeling…… generous today, so I will let you off for a warning”.
Officer 1: “Just a warning? But he’s watching something that directly violates internet police code!”
Officer Buttmunch: “SILENCE! I have something better planned. Somethingthat will send a message to everyone that we are in charge;that no-one is to even think about having opinions on fictional media that are contrary to ours”.
Timmy: “What’s that?”
Officer Buttmunch: “We’re going to blow up your house. Also you’re sentenced to 6 months in internet police jail”.
Timmy: “You’ve got to be kidding me”.
“FIRE IN THE HOLE!”
The explosion went off with an ear-splitting bang, blowing little Timmy’s house to smithereens, decimating half the street in the process.
Officer 2: “We did it. We saved the day”.
The embers from Timmy’s ruined house crackled into the night.
Volume 1
Androux woke up with a start; he really hoped it was all one big awful dream but as he looked around his cell, he could see very clearly that it wasn’t. How long had it been? Months? Years? At this point he really couldn’t tell, it felt like a lifetime. As he contemplated this, an internet police guardsman entered the cell.
IPG: “On your feet scum; we’re taking you to the interrogation room again. Agent Anderson wants another word.”
Androux: “I’ve told you everything I know.”
IPG: “Save it. Scum.”
The guard, joined by another, marched Androux out of his cell and down the corridor into the interrogation room where Agent Anderson, dressed in a sharp suit stood at one end of a table.
Agent Anderson: “Androux… yet again. Please, sit, and make yourself comfortable because this is going to take quite a while.”
The two guards forced Androux into the chair at the other end of the table, then cuffed him to it.
Agent Anderson: “I think you know what I’m going to ask already as it’s the same thing I ask every time. Why did you do it?”
Androux: “And I think you already know my reply because it’s the same thing I say every time. I didn’t do it, it was his son.”
Agent Anderson: “As we’ve covered, nobody saw anybody else other than you enter his fighting robot; you and you alone were caught on camera entering the control room, there was no other way in, no hull breach and I sincerely doubt he beheaded himself. We already know you did it, what we don’t know is why, and who for.”
Androux said nothing.
Agent Anderson: “Fine. Guards, escort him back to his cell, and make sure he eats from the shitposting menu this month.”
The Guards undid Androux’s restraints and removed him from the interrogation room. They began to escort him back to his cell, but Androux’s suspicion was then aroused when he noticed he was being take a different route.
Androux: “Where are we going? My cell is back that way.”
IPG: “Shhh… just trust us okay?”
All of a sudden, the main lights shut off and were replaced by the red glow of the emergency lighting as the alarm sounded.
Alarm: “Warning, personal space breach detected, all personnel to assume battle stations.”
IPG: “That’s our cue, come on we have to be quick about this.”
As Androux was lead by these two mysterious guards down more corridors than he could count; he started to wonder if this in fact was a dream; he had long since lost any hope of being rescued yet it certainly did look like such an event was occurring.
IPG2: “This is the spot; do you want to send her the signal?”
IPG: “Mike X-Ray 51, Victor Tango Juliet.”
A few seconds after sending the message, there was an almighty explosion as the air lock was ripped clean off; just outside Me-Me was waiting on the back of the mighty Cyan Eyes Off-White Dragon.
Androux: “Me-Me? Is it really you?”
Me-Me: “Quickly now Androux, we haven’t got much time. Get on! You two should come too; the League of Warrens has been compromised, it’s likely they know you’re here.”
The two guards took off their helmets, revealing that they were Warrens, then jumped aboard the dragon along with Androux. Once everyone was on board, the Blue-Eyes swiftly departed and headed back towards earth.
Warren: “I’m so sorry Androux; we wanted to get you out of there sooner but things have been a bit bumpy lately; I’ll let Me-Me fill you in.”
Androux: “How long has it been?”
Me-Me: “It’s been six months Androux and we’ve got a lot to fill you in on, but right now we need to focus on finding somewhere safe to lie low but I don’t even know if there is such a place.”
Androux: “I actually know a place we can go, go left over there.”
Me-Me: “Androux… are you sure?”
Androux: “Absolutely, there will be no place safer.”
Although Me-Me wasn’t feeling especially convinced she nonetheless steered Cyan where Androux stated; the route took them to a huge pair of hangars situated in the middle of nowhere; they set down in front of the one Androux gestured at and disembarked; they walked toward the massive door and knocked. They waited with baited breath as the door slowly began to open.
Anorak: “AWWWWHHHH ANDROUX! I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK I’D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN, HOW’VE YOU BEEN?”
The strange man at the door leapt over to Androux and pulled him into a tight embrace. Upon seeing Androux’s discomfort from the overly tight grip, he relinquished.
Androux: “everybody, this is my brother, Anorak; he’s saved my skin more times than I can count.”
Me-Me: “It’s a pleasure to meet you Anorak”
Anorak: “AWWWH THE PLEASURE IS ALL MIIINE! Come in come in before you catch a cold… or get caught! Let me give you the tour!”
Androux: “Actually Anorak there’s somethi…”
Anorak: “This way this way, behold my LAMPPOST COLLECTION! One moment let me just…”
Anorak dashed off into a room to the side of the Lamppost chamber. After a series of crashing and banging sounds, the sound of an engine spluttering into life could be heard. Anorak then resurfaced from the room, excited to show the others the fruits of his labour.
Anorak: “Do you like it? This is new, it’s a Gardner 6LXB and it powers all my lampposts!”
Warren: “He’s a bit odd”
Me-Me: “Shh… don’t be rude!”
Androux: “Anorak we have some really pressing matters that we need to discuss right away”
Anorak looked at Androux with puppy dog eyes.
Androux: “Fine, lead the way…”
A reasonable distance away from Anoraks Lamppost hangar, a somewhat haggared man was hard at work in a fairly run-down office block. Worldwide budget cuts had seen the formation of a singular police force for the entire oyster planet and Earth Police Chief Hank Grimes was the only one lucky enough… or unlucky enough depending on your outlook to have retained his position in the merger and following cuts. As Hank was attending to his duties, one of his underlings came bursting into his office.
PC Underling: “Chief Grimes sir! I have some important news!”
Hank: “So important you’d just burst in like that? What the fuck is wrong with you? I’m trying to manage the policing of an entire fucking planet here and you think this is appropriate conduct?”
PC Underling: “I’m sorry sir, it won’t happen again… anyway I’ve just received news that…
Hank: “Get out.”
PC Underling: “But sir you’ll want to hear thi…”
Hank: “Get out. And try again, properly this time.”
The PC underling paused awkwardly before turning and walking out of the office, shutting the door behind him.
*Knock *knock
Hank: “Who is it?”
PC Underling: “PC Underling sir; may I come in as I have important news to share with you.”
Hank: “Very well; you may enter. To what do I owe this interruption?”
PC Underling: “We’ve received word that the one responsible for turning the planet into an Oyster has escaped the clutches of the internet police.”
Hank: “Oh? Thank you for bringing this to my attention; this is great news indeed. If we can locate him, perhaps we can speak with him without having to have any dealings with those internet police arseholes. Do you see how much easier and more pleasant this was with you following basic door knocking etiquette?”
PC Underling: “I do Sir; I’ll see that it doesn’t happen again.”
Hank: “Please do; without etiquette we’re no better than those disgusting internet police. Now; put together a team and see if you can track where Androux went after escaping; we need to get to him before the internet police recapture him; I’ll leave the approach on how down to you but report to me any significant findings.”
PC Underling: “Right away sir; I won’t let you down!”
Hank: “I know… oh and PC Underling; I’m sorry I snapped, trying to lead a planetwide police force can be stressful but nevertheless a constructive work environment is important.”
PC Underling: “Oh… that’s alright, and… thank you.”
MEANWHILE, BACK AT ANORAK’S LAMPPOST HANGAR:
Anorak: “……..AND THAT’S HOW I WON THIS EGLO LATERNA 4 FINISH OUTDOOR PILLAR LIGHT 22144 AT AN AUCTION!”
Androux: “Wow Anorak, thank you for telling us all about your lampposts! That was very exciting and well worth the three hours that it took for you to finish! I definitely feel much more well informed about all the different models of lampposts now!”
Me-Me: “Thank God that’s ov-“
Androux elbowed Me-Me sharply in the side, indicating that she should probably reconsider her next few words.
Me-Me: “I mean wow, Anorak, that was soooooo enjoyable! I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my time than listen to you talk about lampposts!”
Anorak: “AAWWWWWWW YOU ARE BOTH QUITE WELCOME. ANYWAY IT’S GETTING LATE SO I BETTER BE HEADING OFF TO BED NOW. WE’VE GOT A BUSY DAY AHEAD OF US TOMORROW, SO YOU TWO SHOULD THINK ABOUT GETTING SOME REST AS WELL.”
Me-Me: “That’s a good idea, your ‘enthralling’ lecture on lampposts has left me feeling quite exhausted”.
The two Warrens, who decided for some reason to be absent during the lamppost lecture, approached Me-me.
Warren: “Well ma’am, I’m afraid it’s time for us to depart”.
Me-me: “Really, so soon? But why?”
Warren: “We need to regroup at outpost W with the other warrens, but I’m sure our paths will cross again in the future”.
Me-me: “I’d love for you two to stay, but I understand if you’re needed elsewhere. Thank you both for you’re help, you’ve been invaluable to our cause”.
The two warrens gave Me-me and Androux a salute, to which Me-me saluted back.
Me-Me: “Warren and warren, it’s been an honour”.
Warren: “The pleasure is all ours”.
Warren: “Hey warren, it looks like our ride is here”.
Another warren in a jet-propelled shopping trolley pulled up outside the hangar. The other two warrens climbed aboard and the trolley took off into the night.
Warren: “Next stop: outpost W!”
With the two warrens departed, attention turned back to Anorak.
Anorak: “AAAWWWWW WELL NOW THOSE TWO ARE GONE THAT CERTAINLY MAKES ACCOMODATION MUCH EASIER. YOU SEE, I DON’T HAVE MUCH LIVING SPACE AROUND HERE BECAUSE OF ALL THE LAMPPOSTS! THIS MEANS I ONLY HAVE ONE SPARE BEDROOM, ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE SOFA.”
Androux: “I’ll take the sofa, I don’t mind.”
Anorak: “AWWWWW ALRIIIGGGHT THEN, I BEST BE SWITCHING OFF THE GARDENER 6XLB BEFORE I HEAD OFF TO BED. LET ME JUST POWER DOWN THE OLD GIRL…….. THERE WE GO. WELL GOOD NIGHT THEN!”
Androux and Me-Me: “Goodnight”.
Satisfied from another in-depth lecture about lighting equipment, Anorak made his way upstairs to get a good night’s rest, leaving Androux and Me-Me alone in his great hall of lampposts.
Me-Me: “Well he’s not exactly what I expected.”
Androux: “Anorak? Well he certainly has some rather peculiar interests, but he has a good heart. I’m certain he’ll take good care of us.”
The two paused in an awkward silence for thirty seconds or so, gazing around at the varied lamppost collection that filled the room. Eventually, Me-Me decided that she would be the first to attempt to strike up a conversation:
Me-Me: “I can’t tell you how good it is to finally see you again; I knew I shouldn’t have believed him when he told me you were dead.”
Androux: “Huh? And who is this you might be referring too?”
Me-Me: “Why, the one known as RickAndMortyFan69 of course! He told everyone that you were killed during your final showdown with SouthParkFan420”.
Androux: “Hmmmm, how interesting. What could he possibly have to gain from spreading rumours of my death, particularly after he helped me take down The King – his own father?”
Me-Me: “I have no idea- that one operates on an agenda known only to himself”.
Androux: “Where is he now? I mean, I assume he’s still alive right? And what about Mayor Derkle, did he survive our encounter with the internet police?”
Me-Me turned her back to Androux and examined the Endon YG-3502 that was on display behind her.
Me-Me: “We all made it out okay: Mayor Derkle, RickAndMortyFan69, Steve and the entity formerly known as the white flower all survived the fight against the internet police”.
Androux: “That’s a relief. Wait! Hang on, weren’t Steve and the white flower killed by SouthParkFan420’s giant fighting robot?”
Me-Me: “They survived and before you ask, I have no idea how. The White Flower wouldn’t say a word about it, and as for Steve…… *sigh*, he would just get defensive and try to change the subject whenever I asked him about it.”
Androux: “As long as they’re okay, but where are they all now?”
Me-Me looked over her shoulder, away from the YG-3502 and met Androux’s gaze again.
Me-Me: “To be honest with you Androux, I really don’t know. When the King was defeated and you disappeared, things quietened down quickly and most of us went our separate ways. I’ve been living a mostly solitary life the last few months, so I’ve had very little contact with the outside world until recently.”
Androux: “Where’s Mayor Derkle then? The two of you were quite close, so why did you decide to go separate ways?”
Me-Me turned away again to examine another exotic lamppost next to her.
Me-Me: “We were, but something changed in him after you went missing, so we parted ways. I hear he’s been moving up in the world though, become some kind of political bigshot.”
Androux: “What about RickAndMortyFan69, what’s become of him?”
Me-Me: “Last thing I heard Derkle used his influence to help get him some work within the film industry, but that was months ago. No idea what he’s doing now.”
Androux: “And as for Steve and the white flower?”
Me-Me: “The white flower completely disappeared of the face of the universe shortly after the battle, no-one has heard from it since. And as for Steve….”
Me-Me looked at the floor and began to play with her hair.
Me-Me: “Things got……. Complicated between us.”
Androux: “How so?”
Me-Me: “That’s a story for another time, but Anorak is right, we really should get some rest”.
Androux: “You’re right Me-Me. And thank you, for everything”.
Me-me slowly made her way up the stairs to her bedroom, but paused just before she left the hall of lampposts.
Me-Me: “And Androux……”
Androux: “Yes, and what is it Me-Me?”
Me-Me: “Please put some trousers on already, you look ridiculous.”