A new day dawned over Childhood Trauma Middle School. It was 9:30 in the morning when Mrs Society stood at the front of her class, ready to address her pupils. She had an important announcement to make:
Mrs Society: “Ok children, settle down. I hope you all had a nice weekend. I’m proud to say that we have a new student starting here today! He’s from out of town and doesn’t really know anyone, so I hope you’ll all be extra nice to him.”
The new student nervously entered the room, quickly observing the rest of the class before returning to shyly gaze at his feet.
Mrs Society: “So, what’s your name?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “……RickAndMortyFan69.”
Some of the pupils giggled quietly.
Mrs Society: “Wow, that’s certainly a……. unique name.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t like it much either, but my dad won’t let me change it.”
Mrs Society: “So, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself? What do you like to do?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I like to lift weights and go to parties with girls”.
The rest of the class giggled once more.
Mrs Society: “How interesting!”
Brad: “Haha! That’s sooooo gay!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Huh?”
Mrs Society: “Be quiet Brad! Well, RickAndMortyFan69, I’m sure you’ll fit in around here just fine and make lots of new friends!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yeah, I hope so.”
A few hours later, class ended for first break. RickAndMortyFan69 was the last student to leave; he went to his new locker to put his things away, only to discover that Brad and his friends were waiting for him.
Brad: “I bet you think you’re sooooooo cool huh, telling everyone you like to go to parties with girls?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I……. I’m not sure what you mean.”
Brad grabbed him by the neck and threw him against his locker.
Brad: “We don’t take too kindly to you types around here! I don’t think you’ve got what it takes to fit in at Childhood Trauma Middle School.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Why…….. why’s that?”
Brad: “All the cool kids at this school, we moderate Discord servers! Only losers go to parties and keep their bodies in decent physical shape! We also like to complain about Sci-Fi films online and send death threats to actresses; I bet you don’t even do any of those things!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “No….. no I don’t. What’s Discord?”
Brad: “Hahaha! You’re pathetic! Let’s get him boys!”
Brad and his friends circled RickAndMortyFan69 and started throwing punches at him. Despite being quite strong due to his pastime of lifting weights, RickAndMortyFan69 was unable to fight back against the bullies; partially due to them outnumbering him, but mostly because they were all morbidly obese. He was afraid that if he were to lay a single punch on one of them, he would get absorbed into their enormous mass, like in that one Doctor Who episode that everyone likes to forget about.
Brad: “Come on, let’s take him to the toilets and give him a swirly!”
After giving him a thorough beating, Brad and his friends dragged RickAndMortyFan69 to the boys’ toilets to continue their punishment.
RickAndMortyFan69: “No! Please, let me go!”
RickAdMortyFan69 struggled as they took him to one of the stalls and shoved his head down the toilet. After a considerable dunking, Brad and his friends left to continue break, leaving the beaten child alone in the bathroom, sobbing quietly by himself.
Assistant Director Benjamin: “Mr MortyFan?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Huh, who’s that?”
Benjamin: “Mr MortyFan, are you awake?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Huh, wha-? Oh, it’s you. Sorry about that, I must have dozed off for a bit there.”
Benjamin: “How are you feeling? Any better after our little chat the other day?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yeah, a bit, I guess. The only thing I can do now is try to move on and do better in the future I suppose.”
Benjamin: “Wow, that’s surprisingly profound. Well, profound coming from you anyway.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s not good for me to keep dwelling on the past, so I’m trying to keep myself distracted with new projects. Like, I’ve come up with this brilliant idea for a rewrite of the last season of Game of Thrones! Or the last two seasons. I keep forgetting, which Game of Thrones seasons are you allowed to like these days?”
Benjamin: “Yeaaaahhhh, about that – we’re broke.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Wait – WHAT!? How?
Benjamin: “Yep, we’ve got no money. We seem to have spent it all, or more importantly, YOU seem to have spent it all. Would you care to explain?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t understand, I swear it was all just here a minute ago!”
Benjamin: “Hang on a moment, what’s that on your screen?”
Earlier, RickAndMortyFan69 was doing some ritual simping on OnlyFans and forgot to close the tab before he fell asleep. His secret pastime was now on display for the assistant director to see.
Benjamin: “MrMortyFan, are you a simp?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “GET OUT!”
Me-Me: “I can’t believe this! You’re breaking up with me?”
Steve: “Yeah.”
Me-Me: “But I thought what we had was special!”
Steve: “Nah.”
Me-Me: “And after all the things I’ve done for you, doesn’t that mean anything?”
Steve: “Nah.”
Me-Me: “But I thought you loved me!”
Steve: “Ehhhhhh…… not really.”
Me-Me: “Fine! If it has to end this way, I’m leaving! And I don’t want to ever speak to you again!”
Steve: “Alright, see ya.”
Me-Me: “And that’s how it all happened.”
Androux: “Well that was nice and vague.”
Me-Me: “I know it’s hard to explain, but you don’t know Steve like I do. He can’t be trusted.”
Androux: “Look Me-Me, you’re my friend and I want to see where you’re coming from, but you’re not giving me anything to go on here. It seems to me that you’re just letting your personal feelings for Steve cloud your judgement.”
Me-Me: “Has it ever occurred to you that it’s a bit strange that Steve just seems to magically show up out of nowhere for no reason?”
Androux: “You know, that has actually occasionally crossed my mind.”
Me-Me: “I know this sounds insane, but I think Steve is playing his own game here.”
Androux: “And what’s that supposed to mean?”
Me-Me: “I don’t think he ever cared about me, you, or any of us. To him we’re all just pawns in some game he’s playing. This sounds ridiculous but…. But……
Androux: “But what?”
Me-Me: “Maybe he lives on some alternate plane of existence. Or something. I don’t know!”
Androux: “I’m sorry Me-Me, but I only care about the facts here. And facts, don’t care about your feelings.”
Me-Me: “Oh shut up Ben Shapiro.”
Agent Anderson paced up and down the command centre of internet police HQ, overviewing his subordinates and pondering what to do about the Androux situation.
Internet police agent: “Sir, I think we’ve got something here.”
Agent Anderson: “Is it Androux? Have you found him?”
Internet police agent: “No, but there’s someone in sector Z who thinks the backlash against the Mass Effect ending went too far.”
Agent Anderson: “Send a drone strike. Make sure no-one in the area survives. They could have could have contaminated the local populace with their cancerous views. We can’t take any chances.”
Internet Police agent: “Yes Sir.”
The internet police agent typed away at his computer, ordering the strike to contain the pestilence in sector Z. No-one in that area would be having dangerous opinions about video games for the foreseeable future. Meanwhile, the local janitor peered over, curious to see what all the polava was about.
Janitor: “I don’t mean to be a nuisance, but isn’t that overdoing it?”
Agent Anderson: “What?”
Janitor: “I don’t know much about them video games and whatnot, but is it really necessary to kill a bunch of people because they don’t like the things you like?”
*BANG*
A shot fired from Agent Anderson’s pistol, penetrating the janitor’s skull and splattering blood all over the surroundings. The Janitor’s lifeless corpse collapsed to the floor and brains poured from the area where his head used to be.
Agent Anderson: “Clean that shit up!”
Internet police agent: “We can’t, he was our janitor!”
Agent Anderson: “Well hire a new one goddamn it! Ok ladies and gents, your attention please!”
Internet police agent: “But there are no women here; you fired all our female staff because you said it was ‘forced diversity’, remember?”
Agent Anderson: “*Sigh*, fine. Ok men, listen up! I shouldn’t have to remind you of the importance of our work here. We are what stands between the global populace…”
Internet police agent: “Oyster populace.”
Agent Anderson: “…Oyster populace and complete chaos. You see, we live in a society. And a society, there are people in it. People’s heads are full of thoughts, each one a parasitic worm looking to escape, infect and breed. It us up to people like us to quell this vile corruption, to stop the parasite in its tracks, so that only one way of thinking remains: ours. With all opposing thought extinguished, we can control our own destiny! We can plan and know our every move, but most importantly, keep everyone else in line. People may not like us restricting their freedoms, but it’s for their own good. The only thing standing in our way of accomplishing our goal, is perhaps the most disgusting parasite of them all: Androux. Find him and dispose of him, at all costs.”
Internet police agent: “Yes sir! Wait – aren’t we supposed to be a hivemind that doesn’t conform to traditional command structures? If so, why am I taking orders from you?”
Agent Anderson: “Just shut up and do your job, agent.”
Jimmy: “Duuuuuuuuh, bwass, errrr, I fink we’ve found sum-ting. Duuuuhhhhhh.”
Agent Anderson: “Ah, Jimmy – I see they haven’t removed that spanner from your skull yet.”
Jimmy: “Duuuuhhhh, not yet.”
Agent Anderson: “So, what is you want to show me?”
Jimmy: “This way, this way, Jimmy’ll show you teh way!”
Jimmy led Agent Anderson to the computer where he was working, being careful not to slip in any of Jimmy’s drool on the way.
Agent Anderson: “So, what exactly am I looking at?”
Jimmy: “Errrrrr, its teh league of Warrens sur. We’ve been trackin deir movee-munts for a while now. Uhhhhhhh, dey’ve all been moooo-vin too-wards dis point ‘ere. Dey must ov had sum sorta rec…. eekall… reaaakleee…..”
Agent Anderson: “Recall?”
Jimmy: “Yes! A reek-all!”
Agent Anderson: “Hmmmm, how interesting. Androux and the league of Warrens have worked together in the past, are you suggesting that he is involved in this, recall?”
Jimmy grinned at Anderson, rapidly nodding his head in a mixture of agreement and excitement.
Agent Anderson: “So, if we finalise the data and focus in on the point all the Warrens are moving towards, yes, Androux could be right here!”
A red dot lit up on Jimmy’s computer screen map.
Agent Anderson: “Gentlemen, I think we have him.”
Jimmy: “Yeeeeey!”
Agent Anderson: “Good work Jimmy, I’ll be sure to get someone to read you an extra-long bedtime story tonight. We just need to make sure the President never finds out about this.”
Jimmy: “Duuuuh, why doo wee kneed two mayke suuure dat deh prezzz…… present….. indent…… thingy, nev-ur finds owt abowt dis?”
Agent Anderson: “Because if he finds out that Androux is still alive, we might lose his support. His influence as president is incredibly useful to us, we cannot afford to lose that.”
Jimmy: “Gotcha! Yoo can cownt on me!”
Agent Anderson: “I’m serious Jimmy; Derkle makes for a very good puppet. If he found out we’ve been lying to him this whole time, all our plans could….”
President Derkle: “SUP MOTHERFUCKERS! HOW’S IT HANGING?”
Agent Anderson: “Shit….”
President Derkle strutted into the command centre as if he owned the place, (I guess being president, he did). He was wearing his unsubtle purple hat and cane, accompanied this time with a new fur coat that was likely made from the skins of a large number of endangered animals, all of which were probably extinct by now once being harvested for said coat.
Agent Anderson: “Ah, president Derkle! We weren’t expecting you. If you told us you were coming, I would have done something nice with the place.”
President Derkle: “That’s no problem my homie, I just thought I’d swing by for a bit to see what was up with you dudes.”
Agent Anderson: “Oh, you know, internet police stuff.”
President Derkle: “That sounds fucking sweet man.”
Agent Anderson: “So, is there anything in particular you wanted?”
President Derkle: “Oh nothing much, it’s just that I think I left one of my cocaine stashes around here somewhere.”
Agent Anderson: “Haven’t seen any cocaine stashes around here, sir. What about you Jimmy, have you seen any cocaine around here?”
Jimmy: “Uuughhh, no sur!”
President Derkle: “But I need that cocaine, it’s for a very important project! You see, last night, after coming home from a long day at the whore house, I came up with a brilliant idea! Instead of paying taxes and all that pointless bullshit, why don’t I use all the money I’d save to create a new super-drug to get fucking high on?”
Agent Anderson: “Sounds like a very worthwhile investment sir.”
President Derkle: “It’s a combination of loads of other illegal drugs. I’m going to call it Crystalcocaineheroinmethjuana! The cocaine is the missing ingredient.”
Agent Anderson: “Have you checked your coat pockets?”
President Derkle: “No, let me see…… hmm……… ah! There we go, it was in here the whole time!
Agent Anderson: “Crisis averted.”
President Derkle: “You bet dwag! Anyway, I best be heading off now, those strippers won’t stick dollar bills in their underwear by themselves after all!”
Agent Anderson: “Good day, Mr President! ……….. Is he gone? Whew, that was close.”
Jimmy: “It ser-tainly woz bwass! Itz a good fing yoo didn’t tell ‘im that Androux woz still all-live!”
Just as he was making his exit from the command centre, President Derkle stopped dead in his tracks.
President Derkle: “What?”
It was very unfortunate for Agent Anderson that the president was still within earshot of Jimmy’s loud, obnoxious voice.
Agent Anderson: “For fuck’s sake Jimmy.”
Derkle slowly walked back over to Jimmy and Anderson; his confident swagger completely gone.
President Derkle: “……… Is this true?”
Jimmy: “Shure it iz! We’re not sup-ozed too tell deh president thow, it’s a sea-cret! Shhhhhhh!”
Agent Anderson: “Jimmy, I’m going to kill you.”
President Derkle: “Have you been lying to me, THIS WHOLE TIME!?”
Jimmy: “Yes! Oh wheyt! I’m not supper-osed to tell yoo. Just pree-tend yoo didn’t ‘ear nutthing.”
Agent Anderson’s head collapsed into his hands.
President Derkle: “But Anderson…….. why?”
Agent Anderson: “*Sigh*, so what if we did lie to you? You don’t even need Androux anymore! You have wealth, power, women and infinite access to illegal substances, all of which WE gave you! What more could you possibly want?”
President Derkle: “…… I want my friend back. I betrayed him…… I betrayed them all……. for nothing.”
Agent Anderson: “Forget about them! Your old friends will never take you back anyway; you arrested them, remember?”
President Derkle: “That was your idea Anderson, not mine! I just wanted to chill out with the crew in the schoolyard, just like old times. I even invited RickAndMortyFan69 – wait, no wonder the magic bitch and those other assholes showed up at my door, Androux must’ve gotten my message!”
Agent Anderson: “Message? What message?”
President Derkle: “There was always a part of me that still believed Androux was out there somewhere. So a while ago, I sent him a message via his Satanic drug dealer. Turns out he did receive it in the end.”
Agent Anderson: “Pah! This changes nothing! Do you really want to go back to your old life? Who even were you before our intervention? A pathetic mayor whose greatest responsibility was ordering lowlifes to pick flowers for you, that’s who!”
President Derkle: “……. I was a good man…… once.”
Agent Anderson: “Grow the fuck up! We’ve given you everything, so you better be fucking grateful for it! Isn’t this the kind of life you’ve always wanted, or is all this wealth and power just not enough for you?”
The president snivelled.
President Derkle: “But the guilt……. It hurts.”
Agent Anderson moved closer to Derkle; he could see clearly now that his purple hat displayed the words ‘fuck bitches make money’ on the rim. He reached into the president’s coat pocket and pulled out the bag of cocaine.
Agent Anderson: “Just take this and I’m sure you’ll soon feel much better. You won’t even remember Androux after a while.”
The president examined the bag as Anderson dangled it in front of his face like a cat’s toy.
Agent Anderson: “So, what’s it going to be ‘Mr President?’ Are you going to fall in line, play by the rules, or do I need to replace you?”
President Derkle: “*Sniff*, fine, I will.”
Agent Anderson: “Good, I knew you’d come to your senses eventually. We better never have this conversation again though. Just remember, I can take everything I’ve given you away, just like that.”