Androux – Book 1 – Volume 11

The League of Warrens headquarters was a sight to behold; it sat beneath the main supermarket of Flargleteegibbernet and was only accessible by pressing a specific button in the store’s customer elevator. The button was cunningly labelled “do not press”, to deter the everyday customers and employees from ever discovering what sat only a few meters beneath their feet. The base itself was in fact a repurposed tube station that the League of Warrens had stolen from London long ago.

The elevator doors opened to reveal Me-Me, with Androux the Off-White and Derkle standing either side and slightly set back. They followed Me-Me as she led them straight to the office of the Head Warren.

Head Warren: “Ah Me-Me, I was wondering when you’d come to collect the favour I owe. Here you go.”

The Head Warren reached into his pocket and withdrew a party horn. He handed it to Me-Me, who then blew into it in order to test its authenticity.

Me-Me: “OOOOH this is a good party horn! Okay that’s what we came for, let’s go!”

Androux the Off-White and Derkle looked uncomfortably at one another as Me-Me turned around and began to head towards the door. She stopped with her hand on the doorknob, the sound of suppressed laughter could be heard from both her and the Head Warren.

Head Warren: “HAHAHAHA! My god the look upon your faces! I’m sorry Me-Me I couldn’t hold it any longer!”

Me-Me: “HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Can you imagine? I’m sorry guys I couldn’t resist.”

ATOW: “With all that’s happened I could have believed it.”

Head Warren: “Us Warrens can be quite the practical jokers at times, but enough of that for now, we have some business to attend to haven’t we! First off, your Blue-eyes white dragon is going to draw far too much attention as it is; I’ve assigned a small team of Warrens to redecorate it to resemble a Cyan-eyes off-white dragon, much less eye catching. And now for the main problem at hand…”

The Head Warren leaned over and pressed the button on his intercom.

Head Warren: “Warren, could you and Warren please bring the schematic board into my office?”

Intercom Warren: “Yes Warren right away Warren sir!”

Two Warrens entered wheeling a moderately sized whiteboard with figures drawn of what appeared to be the Kings giant robot.

Derkle: “How have you managed to get so much information on his Giant robot? We didn’t even know it existed before yesterday!”

Head Warren: “Yes it’s amazing what you can pick up from conversations in supermarkets.”

ATOW: “But what does it all mean? How do we go about defeating it?”

Head Warren: “Oh we have an answer for that, but I’ll let Technician Warren tell you about it, here he comes now.”

Another Warren entered the room and positioned himself next to the whiteboard.

Tech Warren: “Okay, so what you already know is that the robot is made of the toughest known material in the universe, Plotonium. Hence why it is referred to as ‘Plot Armour’. Now we don’t have anything that can penetrate Plotonium in our available arsenal… but there is another way.”

Derkle: “So how are we going to do it?”

Tech Warren: “Well, as it happens The Kings giant robot has an exploitable weakness; in order to prevent the inside of the robot getting stale it needs ventilation, so The King has designed a small hole in the Plotonium, which we’re calling a ‘Plot Hole’. Conveniently this hole is the perfect size for a main character to get through. With that said, it won’t be easy; by now The King has likely summoned the full might of the Internet police. As fortune would have it though, we’ve been preparing for this. You will have our full fleet of space battle supermarkets at your disposal and their accompanying corner shop and convenience store space fighters. While we engage the internet police, you Derkle, are tasked with firing Androux the Off-White into the Plot Hole. We’ve made the necessary preparations to your three-bedroom unfurnished rental property already, can you do it?”

Derkle: “Can I do it? Back in my days before I was the Mayor, I was one of the best building pilots around!”

Head Warren: “Well then, it would seem the time has come.”

The Head Warren lead Androux the Off-White, Derkle and Me-Me into the main hangar of The Warren’s main base. The hangar beheld many great sights: To the left, a Tesco Extra was being fitted with MKIII triple-barrelled gatling laser guns. To the right, a Co-op was having its left-side artillery cannons re-calibrated. In the centre of the hangar, a Sainsbury’s supermarket was having its intergalactic hyperspace turbo jets refuelled. And in the far corner, a Cyan-Eyes Off-White Dragon was looking very disgruntled at its new paint job.

ATOW: “Well, I guess this is it then.”

Me-Me: “Me and the Cyan-Eyes will be spearheading the fleet of Warrens into battle against the internet police. I know I can trust you two to deal with The King.”

Derkle: “Don’t you worry about it, my ability to fly buildings with extreme precision is completely unmatched!”

ATOW: “Before we embark on this perilous quest, I’d like to thank both of you for standing by my side for all this time. I know it hasn’t been easy, but there’s no-one on any space oyster in the universe I’d rather have done this with. Thank you, sincerely.”

Derkle: “The pleasure is all mine Androux. Once, you were nothing more than a lowly flower picker. But since those days you’ve become the greatest Human/Meth hybrid in the galaxy. I am proud to stand by your side for this final battle!”

ATOW: “Thank you Derkle”.

Me-Me: “I’ll be honest with you Androux; when I joined up with you, it was only because of my sworn duty to protect Steve that I stayed around. But now, I have found myself in a conflict much larger than any of us could have ever imagined. In the end, to fight for a greater cause is all that any warrior princess/dragon rider/magical being/90s video game character could ever ask for. I have you to thank for that, Androux.”

ATOW: “You are very welcome, Me-Me.”

Me-Me: “By the way, where is Steve? It’s been a while since I last saw him. Is he OK?”

Derkle: “Him and the white flower got vaporised I think, I dunno I wasn’t really paying attention.”

Me-Me: “Oh, well that sucks I guess. Anyway………”

ATOW: “I suppose we should get going then”.

Me-Me: “Quite right”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “Not so fast Androux! Before we set off, I have a few words to say.”

Androux: “What is it Mr voice in my head?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Admittedly I’ve been very critical of your character development in the past. However, it seems that things have built up to a very exciting climax, good job Androux!”

Androux: “I’m glad that you think that RickAndMortyFan, but you do realise we could all die you know?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Sure, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make for some exciting storytelling! I can assure you that I will be leaving this arc a very positive review on Rotten Tomatoes.”

Androux: “That’s………. great, I guess?”

Me-Me: “Androux?”

ATOW: “Sorry sorry! I was talking to Mr Voice in my head”

Me-Me: “Riiiight”

Everyone stood slightly awkwardly for a moment before heading off to their respective battle stations. The hangar erupted with the distinctive sound of supermarket engines all firing up. Once they were all ready, Me-Me charged out of the hangar on the Cyan-eyes, followed by the battalion of supermarkets. Hidden at the back was the 3-bedroom unfurnished rental property.

The King stood in the control room of his giant fighting robot, staring down at the surface of the Oyster planet. The attack he earlier endured from Mayor Derkle had left him physically rather worse for wear; he had a portable ventilator to help him breathe. One of his senior internet police officers entered.

Senior Police: “Mr The King sir, I have word that Androux has commenced his next move… but he’s not alone. I don’t know how but he’s enlisted the full might of the League of Warrens, should we call off the attack?”

The King: “You lack faith in me… that is a concern. The League of Warrens are a formidable foe no doubt, but I’ve enlisted some backup of my own outside of your jurisdiction. Get to your post and do your job and I’ll have nothing to worry about.”

Senior Police: “Yes Sir Mr King Sir!”

Me-Me came out of hyperspace heading off the fighting robot with its fleet of Internet Police gunships. The supermarket battalion materialised soon after.

Warren: “Red Warren standing by”

Warren: “Red Warren standing by”

Warren: “Red Warren standing by”

Warren: “Red Warren standing by”

Warren: “Red Warren standing by”

Warren: “Red Warren st…”

Me-Me: “Okay, okay we get it! We know what we’re here for, engage the gunships!”

The Warrens began to charge at the Gunships, as they did movement could be seen from behind the gunships coming toward them.

Warren: “What are those?”

Warren: “Oh my God!”

Warren: “PLANES!”

Warren: “Is it controversial to fly buildings into planes?”

Warren: “I don’t know! What do we do!”

Me-Me: “Focus! Controversial or not there are more important things right now, take them out!”

The Warrens did as instructed, using their fortified supermarkets to obliterate The Kings planes. From the safety of his robot The King watched the fireworks.

The King: “Hmm… you’re full of surprises but no matter, for I know the biggest weakness of the League of Warrens!”

Me-Me: “You see? Easy work… wait… I know those ships…”

Warren: “KARENS!”

A vast quantity of Karen ships began to appear just ahead of The Kings gunships.

Me-Me: “Okay… this is bad. Warrens listen up! Do not let them into your shops; if you can keep them out you have a chance, but if they get in its game over!”

Warren: “Copy that…. Oh no…. how did they get on board so fast… I’ve been boarded, I’VE BEEN BOARDED!”

Karen: “I’d like to speak to your manager pleEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!”

Me-Me: “Warren, WARREN! Do you copy?”

Me-Me turned around to see countless supermarkets going down in flames.

Me-Me: “Oh no…”

Warren: “They’re too powerful Me-Me, we can’t win this… we need a miracle.”

It was as if the universe had answered their plea; with a flash of blinding white light a fast-moving blurry object appeared. The object emitted a vast array of laser blasts targeted at each and every Karen ship, and with that they were obliterated.

Warren: “What was that?”

Warren: “Did I die?”

Me-Me: “STEVE! You’re okay!!”

Steve: “Sure am.”

The White Flower/Bush: “And I’m okay too, look at me! I’m a bush now!”

Warren: “That’s lovely but we still have the police gunships to deal with.”

Me-Me: “Right; as long as he has no more surprises, we should be pretty plain sailing now. Those gunships may look impressive but they’re only made of opinions. Just keep them distracted so that Androux and Derkle can do their thing!”

Thanks to Derkle’s expert flying they had, just as planned, managed to slip through undetected. They now found themselves approaching the rear of the Giant Robot.

Derkle: “Now, if my calculations are correct the Plot-hole should be located in the lower part of the torso, nestled between the bases of the two lower limbs. It’s time for you to assume your position Androux, Good luck.”

ATOW: “Thank you Derkle, I have every faith in you.”

Androux the Off-White climbed into what resembled a giant syringe mounted to the front of Mayor- Derkles rental property. Derkle manoeuvred the property as close as possible and aimed directly into the Plot-Hole.

Derkle: “I hope this works.”

Derkle took a deep breath and hit the launch button; Androux the Off-White was propelled out of the syringe toward the Plot-Hole. There was complete silence.

Derkle: “All is lost.”

Androux: “Derkle, do you copy? Derkle? I’m in.”

Book 1