Androux – Book 2 – Volume 2

Androux was mortified as he looked down and noticed for the first time in months that he was in fact completely naked apart from a pair of somewhat ripe smelling socks.

Androux: “Oh my… I think I ought to take a shower before anything else, they didn’t have those at the internet police.”

After Androux took a much-needed shower, he made himself comfortable on Anorak’s sofa and tried to get some sleep.

Agent Anderson: “For the last time Androux; tell me everything you know!”

Androux: “What’s left to tell?!! You already know everything I know”

Agent Anderson: “Disappointing…  maybe more hater comments will jog your memory… Androux is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen… I’ve heard gooder stories from my toilet and I have big smarts so u know its true… If you think about it Androux is really a villain in his own story…”


Androux woke up bolt upright, bathed in sweat.

Anorak: “AWWWWHHHH I’m sorry Androux, didn’t mean to wake you up with a start like that.”

Androux: “Oh err, it’s alright; it wasn’t you… bad dream…”

Anorak: “AAAWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHH I’m sorry to hear that Androux, but on the bright side I’ve brought you breakfast… it’s lampfish, one of my favourite delicacies!”

Androux: “Well; I can safely say I’ve never had lampfish before.”

Anorak: “AAWWWWHHHHH you’ll love it! Come and join us in the kitchen whenever you’re ready”

Anorak turned and left the room, leaving Androux to tuck into the delicious lampfish Anorak had prepared for him. Once he had finished his nutritious meal, Androux met up with Anorak and Me-me at the kitchen table.

Anorak: “AAWHHH good you’ve joined us, take a seat, we have much to discuss!”

Me-Me: “Androux… what are you wearing? Wait… are those… mine?”

Androux, determined not to embark on another adventure basically naked had decided to get dressed; unfortunately he did not have any clothes of his own and had to borrow some. He was sporting a hot pink pair of short shorts and a white crop top, both of which were too small for him given that they belonged to the smaller framed Me-Me.

Androux: “… yes… I didn’t have any of my own clothes with me… I hope you don’t mind.”

Me-Me: “I… you look… um… I guess its fine if it means I don’t have to see your naked body but wouldn’t it have made more sense to borrow some clothes off your brother, he’s a much more comparable size.”

Androux: “I actually didn’t consider that but what’s done is done”

Anorak: “ALLLLRIGHTY THEN! Let’s get onto the task at hand, follow meee!”

As Anorak got up to lead the way they were interrupted by a knock at the door.

Anorak: “Me-Me could you get that? I need to show Androux something important.”

Unfortunately, Anorak dragged Androux out of the room before anyone else had a chance to consider a significantly less stupid option.

Me-Me: “Yeah… great idea; we’re in hiding here but sure I’ll answer the door.”

Me-Me headed to the front door and answered it. The man at the door was a short man in his early forties, wearing glasses and featuring very unkept facial hair. The scruffy shirt he was wearing was accompanied with ink stains and an incredibly ill-fitting tie.

PC Underling: “Oh hello there young lady; my name is PC Underling and I’m with the earth police; we’re currently trying to track down a man by the name of Androux; our records indicate his brother lives here. Are you Anorak?”

Me-Me: “Umm… yes?”

PC Underling: “Oh wonderful… I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind answering a few… oh god no… not them.”

PC Underling put his head in his hand as two Internet Police officers walked up the path.

IP: “Androux… where is he… what is he doing here?”

PC Underling: “Anorak, tell them that Androux has business with us now; they had their chance”

Me-Me said nothing for a few moments and stared blankly at the idiots who stood before her.

Me-Me: “Oh… we’re really doing this… PC underling says they have business with Androux and he said to say you guys had your chance already”

IP: “Well tell this little PC man that he’s our escaped prisoner and we’re not done with him yet”

PC Underling: “You guys have brutish methods and rarely achieve anything!”

IP: “You’re grossly underfunded and spend too long on pleasantries!”

Me-Me stood there for a bit watching the imbeciles bicker in front of her before deciding that enough was enough; she closed the door and wandered off to see where Androux and Anorak had got to. She followed the loud exclamations of Anorak which echoed through the hangar found him and Androux in Anoraks lab; she barely got through the door when she was confronted by an overbearing Anorak standing slightly too close.

Anorak: “AWWWWWHHHH good you’ve found us! Is Boffin with you?”

Me-Me took a step back in order to re-establish acceptable levels of personal space.

Me-Me: “Boffin”

Anorak: “Boffin!”

Me-Me: “I don’t know who Boffin is.”

Anorak: “Oh? I assumed that was him at the door… “

Me-Me: “No; in fact it was representatives of both the Earth and the Internet police.”

Anorak: “AWWWWHHHH how nice!”

Me-Me: “Not really”

Anorak: “Oh?”

Me-Me: “Anorak… we’re here in hiding remember?”

Anorak: “Right?”

Me-Me: “From the internet police… and presumably now also the earth police…”

Anorak: “Okay”

Me-Me: “The people that were at the door… those are the people we’re in hiding from!”

Anorak: “AWWWHHHH of course!”

Me-Me: “So maybe we should consider another place to hi…”


Anorak: “AWWWWWHHHH BOFFIN, taking the secret entrance again I see!”

Boffin: “You know me! Just following the sign posts!”

Me-Me: “Androux… I’m having doubts here about this hideout.”

Anorak: “Have no doubt Me-Me; now Boffin is here I can show you our latest machine… oh by the way Boffin did you here the internet police and the earth police were here just now?”

Boffin: “AWWWWHHHH how nice! We should have invited them in for tea!”

Me-Me at this point was getting visibly annoyed.

Me-Me: “CAN WE PLEASE…! Can. We. Please. Get back to the machine?”

Anorak: “AWWWHHHH of course yes!”

Anorak and Boffin positioned themselves in a rather well rehearsed manner in front of a large object covered by a large sheet.

Anorak: “Have you ever laid awake desperately wondering what it would like to be in the skin of a lamppost?”

Boffin: “I know I have!”

Anorak: “Well what if I told you there now exists a machine that can let you experience just that?”

Boffin: “You can’t mean what I think you mean?!”

Anorak: “I can, and I do, and without further ado I present to you all, my objectification ray!”

Anorak and Boffin ripped the sheet off of the large object, revealing it to be what resembled a large laser beam focused into a tall glass chamber.

Boffin: “It’s really a joint effort; Anorak here has the brains to figure out the theoretical concept…”

Anorak: “And Boffin here has the technical skills to bring all our dreams…”

Boffin: “…Into reality”

Me-Me: “So this device… it can transform us into…”

Anorak and Boffin: “LAMPPOSTS!”

Me-Me: “Can it turn us into any other objects or just lampposts?”

Anorak: “AWWWH Well… I don’t see why it couldn’t with how it works but I don’t know why I would ever entertain such a ludicrous concept.”

Boffin: “There is one other thing as well, a slight technical problem in that the effect only lasts 6 seconds.”

Anorak: “There is one thing we haven’t tried but it would involve the use of a very difficult substance to get hold of these days…”

Androux: “Is it meth?”

Me-Me: “For fuck sake Androux it’s not going to be…”

Anorak: “That it is dearest brother! Do you have some?”

Androux: “I don’t… but I think I know someone who can help. sreppilclianeotym era erehwknarFoY”.

The room shook, the ground cracked open and out rose the satanic lord of hell.

Satan: “Hey man, how’s tricks?”

Androux: “Hello Satan, my friendly neighbourhood meth dealer! I would very much like to purchase some of your wares!”

Me-me: “Oh Jesus Christ.”

Satan: “Pfft, I hate that guy. Anyway, of course you can buy some meth dude, that’ll be £50”.

Androux briefly rummaged around in his pockets, but turned up nothing.

Satan: “If you don’t have any cash on you, I am also taking lamppost components as an alternate payment method. Just if, you know, you happen to have any kicking around”.

Androux: “Oh really?”

After hearing this new information, Andoux looked back at Anorak, giving him a very optimistic smile.


Me-me: “How very convenient all of this is”.

Anorak disappeared into his spare parts room for a few minutes, then later emerged with a shopping trolley full of random lamppost components.


Satan: “That’s perfect man, thanks for helping a brother out. Here’s your meth Androux”.

Androux: “Thank you oh mighty lord of the underworld! That will be all for now”.

Satan: “No worries my dude, contact me anytime. Oh, and just before I head off, I have a message for you”.

Satan quickly reached into the dark abyss from whence he came and grabbed a small paper note, handing it to Androux.

Androux: “How interesting, who’s it from?”

Satan: “I didn’t see man, I was pretty baked at the time heh heh heh. Well I best be taking off now, got some stuff to do in hell and all that. See ya.”

The room shook once more and Satan shrunk back into his unholy domain, closing up the hole in the ground behind him.

Me-me: “So Androux, what does it say?”

Androux: “Dear Androux, meet me in the capital city of oysterworld. Your good friend, DERK. Derk?”

Me-Me: “Derk?”

Anorak: “Derk?”

Boffin: “Derk?”

Androux: “Derkle! It must be Derkle!”


Androux: “Our good friend Mayor Derkle. He helped us defeat the internet police the first time around. He must’ve found out that I survived and wants to help us out in our quest!”

Me-Me: “How can you be sure that it’s really him? It could be a trap”.

Androux: “This is definitely him; I recognise his handwriting and it’s written in green crayon”.

Me-Me: “This doesn’t make any sense; how can he possibly know that you’re alive? Most of the people who know you’re alive are in this very room! Well, those who aren’t in the internet police or the league of Warrens anyway.”

Androux: “I don’t know, but what I do know is I trust that man to the ends of the oyster, we need to go and find him, now!”

Me-Me: “Something doesn’t feel right about this, but I guess we don’t have many options right now”.

Androux: “Then it’s settled! We’ll leave now and meet Mayor Derkle and together we shall form a plan!”

Me-Me: “Not so fast Androux! We should take precautions… Anorak; how long will it be before the machine is fully operational now you have the… ughh… meth?”

Boffin: “AWWWWHHHH not long at all, we just have to install the meth in the specially designed chamber…”

Anorak: “Do a quick calibration and it’s good to go! Would you like to be objectified first Me-Me?”

Me-Me: “Fuck no! I am not going in that machine!”

Androux: “But… you just said we need to take precautions…”

Me-Me: “Right, they’re looking for you Androux; they don’t seem to be after me, also do you not remember? We established I’m magic so I can just call upon that. Let’s just do this stupid plan and hope for a miracle.”

Anorak: “AWWWWWHHHH I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT! Androux my dearest brother, if you could step into the objectification chamber.”

Androux moved into position, Anorak and Boffin set about their duties operating the machine.

Boffin: “This is it Anorak; all our hard work, our dreams are about to come true with the push of that last button, would you like to do the honours?”

Anorak: “AWWWHHHH I’d love to! But we should do it together, on 3.14!”

Anorak and Boffin: “One… two… three… point 14!”

The pair of them pressed the button together and activated the objectification ray; the machine fired emitting a blinding light. As the blinding light faded the three of them were able to see that Androux had disappeared, in his place stood a lamppost.



Anorak: “How does it feel to be objectified Androux?”

Androux said nothing for he is a lamppost.

Anorak: “Speechless!”

Me-Me: “Okay great good job achieving your dreams but can we move along?”

Anorak: “Oh!… right. Okay, we’ll load him into my Anorak!”

Me-Me gave him a blank stare, having no idea what he meant by that.

Anorak: “… the pickup truck outside”

Me-Me: “Oh right…”

Me-Me, Anorak and Boffin set about carrying the Androux Lamp post through the hallway and out the door; they threw him into the back of Anoraks VW Anorak and set off for the rendezvous point. The journey was long and awkward, or at least it was awkward for Me-Me… Finally they arrived at the capital of oysterworld. The capital city was not what you may expect of a typical capital; it consisted of three burnt out allotment sheds and of course, Derkles 5 bedroom unfurnished rented manor house. President Derkle stood outside; dressed in a loud purple suit with a long purple cape, and of course, a purple cane.

President Derkle: “Me-Me… it’s been a long time. I am surprised to see you have come… sans Androux”

Me-Me: “We had to take precautions.”

Derkle: “Of course.”

Everyone stood awkwardly for several moments.

Me-Me: “Okay, I’m pretty tired of everyone bullshit these days so can you just tell me what this is all about already?”

Derkle snapped his fingers and several internet police soldiers emerged and restrained Me-Me, Anorak, Boffin and the lamp post.

Me-Me: “You’re… with the internet police? I honestly thought there was nothing left that would surprise me.”

Derkle: “Things change Me-Me; I learnt a lot from the events we experienced in battle. I lost my best friend in battle; gained him back again only for him to die again… or so I thought; turns out once again that was a lie… it’s… not worth the trouble. The internet police offered me an alternative, stuff… things. The thing about stuff and things Me-Me is they don’t leave you like friends do. If stuff breaks you can replace it; if it runs off and disappears… you replace it. It doesn’t matter how loyal your friends are… stuff will always be loyaler.”

Book 2