Androux – Book 2 – Volume 3

Samantha: “How long did you say this scene was going to be?”

Assistant director Benjamin: “About 3 hours”.

Samantha: “Wow, that’s a bit………”

Assistant director Benjamin: “Excessive?”

Samantha: “Painfully self-indulgent is the phrase I was looking for”.

Assistant director Benjamin: “Yeah, that works too; unfortunately the lead director insists on it though”.

Samantha: “You know, I thought playing the role of Princess Leia in a new Star Wars film would do wonders for my career, but……… this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.”

Assistant director Benjamin: “Don’t tell me you’re lacking faith in Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope: Special Edition 2 – The intellectual version now?”

Samantha: “Haha, maybe just a little bit.”

Assistant director Benjamin: “You know, when High IQ productions bought the rights to Star Wars from Disney, I thought we would do something good with the franchise; like, you know, release the unaltered versions of the first 3 films, rather than just add even more extraneous nonsense onto them. I guess we just don’t deserve nice things.”

Samantha: “How even did High IQ Productions get the rights to Star Wars from Disney anyway?”

Assistant director Benjamin: “I turns out most of Disney was destroyed when the entire world transformed into a giant space oyster.”

Samantha: “Yeah, that’ll do it. So why did you take this job then? You’re clearly not enjoying it.”

Assistant director Benjamin: “I’ve been asking myself the same question for weeks now; every conversation I’ve had with the lead director makes me want to chew my own arms off.”

Samantha: “Speaking of which, is it even worth challenging him to reconsider some of his, erm, ‘creative decisions’, regarding the next scene? It’s not like he’s going to listen.”

Assistant director Benjamin: “I’m not expecting much either, but what have I got to lose? Except more of my will to live of course”.

Samantha: “Well good luck then.”

Assistant director Benjamin: “Thanks, I’m going to need it.”

Assistant director Benjamin walked down the studio’s labyrinthine corridors until he finally found himself at the lead directors office. He gently knocked on the door, but heard no response from inside. He waited a few more seconds before deciding to enter anyway.

Assistant director Benjamin: “Hello, lead director?”


Despite not replying to Benjamin’s knocking, the lead director was inside his office, sitting at his desk and gazing longingly into his laptop screen. When the director saw Benjamin enter the room, he tore himself away from his laptop, rapidly shut the lid and pushed it to one side.

Assistant director Benjamin: “Oh sorry MrMortyFan, you didn’t respond when I knocked.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “That’s because I didn’t want to be disturbed, be more considerate next time!”

Assistant director Benjamin: “What were you doing anyway?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Nothing, nothing! I could ask the same of you!”

Assistant director Benjamin: “I just have a few questions about some of your ‘creative decisions’ regarding the opening scene.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “You doubt my genius?”

Assistant director Benjamin: “You know, I do actually.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Fine, I’ll entertain your recommendations.”

Assistant director Benjamin: “First of all, I’m not sure starting the film with a PowerPoint presentation from Darth Vader about how space flight technology in the Star Wars universe works is a particularly good idea. It seems rather boring and unnecessary.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “You fool! How is space flight in Star Wars supposed to be believable then, hmmm? You think the audience will just buy into the concept of hyperspace travel without knowing the technical details?”

Assistant director Benjamin: “Well, you could just assume the audience is capable of suspending their disbelief? It is a film after all.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “What do you think this is, a work of fiction?”

Assistant director Benjamin: “…..Yes?”

Director MortyFan stared disapprovingly at the assistant director, saying nothing in response.

Assistant director Benjamin: “Fine, I guess we’re not changing that then. I have a few other queries though; like is the cameo from Kit Fisto really necessary? I’m not sure what he even adds to the film?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “What do you mean? Kit Fisto is the single most important entity in the entire Star Wars universe! No-one is as deep or has as many nuanced character arches as him!”

Assistant director Benjamin: “I mean he was just a very minor side character that showed up in like, 2 scenes of the Prequel trilogy. He didn’t even make a significant contribution to those films. Did he even have a single line in them?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “………..I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Can you please go away and leave me in peace now?”

Assistant director Benjamin: “Fine! I’ll leave you to do whatever you were doing before, see you on set I guess.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “That’s right, you better think twice before questioning my intellectual authority! No-one knows how to do cinematic cinematography like I do!”

Benjamin shook his head and turned to exit the room, slamming the door shut on the way out.

Samantha: “So, how’d it go?”

Assistant director Benjamin: “Oh great, just as well as I expected.”

After a failed attempt to get director MortyFan to reconsider some of his asinine ideas, Samantha and Benjamin made their way back to film set to continue their work. RickAndMortyFan69 made the decision not to come with them, as he stated that he had more pressing matters to attend to, which apparently included giving women on the Instagram large amounts of money for no reason. Despite this, the rest of the day’s filming went smoothly without a hitch.

Assistant Director Benjamin: “Aaaaaaaannnnnnnd, CUT! That’s a wrap everyone!”

Samantha: “Thank fucking Christ that’s over with”.

Assistant director Benjamin: “Same here”.

Samantha: “By the way, do I really have to wear this outfit? It’s a bit…….. revealing? I don’t remember Princess Leia’s slave bikini being a thing until episode 6”.

Assistant director Benjamin: “Yeah, but unfortunately Mr MortyFan insists on it; he was trying to convince me earlier about how it’s really important to her character arc and essential foreshadowing and a load of other meaningless drivel”.

Samantha: “Or he just wants to stare at my tits, the perv.”

Assistant director Benjamin: “There’s also that”.

Samantha: “Speaking of which, where is our genius overlord? I haven’t seen him all afternoon, not that I’m complaining or anything”.

Assistant director Benjamin: “Oh, he left earlier around lunchtime. Said he wasn’t feeling well and went to the Doctor’s I think, leaving me with all his work, hence we actually got some done today”.

Samantha: “Well if he gets diagnosed with being a pretentious twat, I’ll inform the Doctor that he or she is a bit slow on the uptake”.

Assistant director Benjamin: “You’re in a bad mood today, how come?”

Samantha: “Oh nothing in particular, other than you know, the unending purgatory of this role”.

Assistant director Benjamin: “Oh don’t worry, you’ll soon forget when you, like me, go home tonight and start slamming your head against a wall to ease the pain”.

Samantha: “Oh thanks, I feel so much better now.”

Assistant director Benjamin: “Haha, don’t mention it.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “What’s wrong with me Doctor, am I going to be okay?”

Doctor Seriousman: “It’s nothing fatal, but I’m afraid there is………”

Doctor Seriousman took off his glasses and attempted to look dramatically off into the distance, which was in fact the other end of his office.

R&MFan69: “Yes?”

The doctor leaned back and placed the back of his hand against his forehead, as if practicing for some kind of amateur dramatics recital.

Doctor Seriousman: “NO CURE!”

The good doctor then put his head in his hands and pretended to start sobbing. RickAndMortyFan69 was completely bewildered by this.

R&MFan69: “I am completely Bewildered by this”.

Doctor Seriousman: “I am sorry Mr MortyFan, but it’s true! I’ve seen these symptoms far too many times before and your life will never be the same again! The constant OnlyFans donations, defending female twitch streamers you’ve never met actually met from any minor criticism, referring to every Instagram model you follow as ‘your girlfriend’. All of these symptoms can only mean one thing”.

R&MFan69: “Just tell me doctor, I can take it”.

Doctor Seriousman rested his hand on RickAndMortyFan’s shoulder and looked deeply into his eyes.

Doctor Seriousman: “You’re a simp, RickAndMortyFan69.”

R&MFan69: “No…… I can’t be!”

Doctor Seriousman: “That will be $300 then”.

R&MFan69: “Wait, what?”

Doctor: “Oh yeah, this part of oyster world is located roughly where America used to be, hence we no longer have universal healthcare here”.

R&MFan69: “Bastards!”

After paying an unnecessarily large fund for a basic human necessity, RickAndMortyFan69 began to walk home, giving him some time to mull over his new ‘condition’.

R&MFan69: “But I don’t want to be a simp. Besides, I don’t even like OnlyFans”.

He then opened the OnlyFans app on his phone and ordered a fresh batch of Gamer Girl Bathwater™ at first class delivery. As he trudged down the pavement towards his house, a black limo crept up beside him to match his walking pace. The back window rolled down and a strange voice came out of it.

?????: “Mr MortyFan!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Huh?”

RickAndMortyFan stopped in his tracks and peered into the back of the limo, getting a closer look at its occupants.

?????: “Are you RickAndMortyFan69, director of the upcoming film Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope: Special Edition 2 – The intellectual version?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Who wants to know?”

?????: “If you are, then I have a proposition for you that I think you will find most intriguing”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “Fine, I am RickAndMortyFan69 of High IQ Productions. Whatever you’ve got to tell me, be quick about it! I’m a very busy man after all”.

?????: “Need to go home and subscribe to more E-girls on”

RickAndMortyFan69: “What! How do you – oh never mind just tell me your offer!”

?????: “I am currently a leading officer in the internet police, but me and my employer are looking to build a new organisation. We could use someone like you”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t care if your employer is crowdfunding a remake of The Last Jedi, I want nothing more to do with the internet police, ever!”

?????: “I also have news of your old friend Androux”.

RickAndMortyFan froze and his jaw dropped to the floor.

?????: “Thought that would get your attention”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “What is it? Tell me now!”

?????: “He is alive and has been for some time”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “Oh really?”

?????: “You don’t seem that surprised.”

RickAndMortyFan said nothing.

?????: “My employer has been watching you for some time, RickAndMortyFan69. He found your 30-part video series on why The Rugrats promotes feminist propaganda very appealing.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Ah, so you’re familiar with my work?”

?????: “As I said before, we could use someone like you. Will you at least consider my offer?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Fine, I’ll think about it, but I’m not making any promises”.

?????: “Excellent, here’s my card. Give me a call when you’ve made up your mind. Oh, and don’t tell anyone that we had this meeting, OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “That’s…… reasonable, but I have so many questions, like what is this new organisation you’re building, and why are you wearing all that ridiculous armour?”

?????: “All our plans will be revealed in good time my friend; but if you must know about the armour, it’s because I’m always on the job, plus I think it makes me look rather sexy”.

Limo driver: “If you say so boss”.

?????: “SILENCE! My personal attire will be respected at all times or I will incinerate you! Anyway, goodbye MrMortyFan! I’m sure we will meet again.”

The back window rolled back up and the limo quickly sped off into the distance, leaving RickAndMortyFan to complement what the hell just happened. He looked at the card he was given -as well as the appropriate contact details, it had a few lines of text written on it:

Join the Church of the Consensus!

All wrong opinions will be purged by the collective knowledge of the many!

All hail The Consensus and his divine wisdom!

Tired out from a hard day’s work, RickAndMortyFan69 stumbled through the door of his fancy new house (which was another courtesy of Derkle alongside the directing job), tossed his trench coat to one side then collapsed on his sofa. He sat there for a few moments contemplating another evening’s simping, but then the phone rang.

*Ring *Ring

RickAndMortyFan69: “Hello?”

President Derkle: “Yo dawg what’s hippity hoppity happening my homeboy RNM fan?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “President Derkle?”

President Derkle: “That’s right my dude, and don’t wear it out”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “Soooooooooo, what have you been up to?”

President Derkle: “Oh you know, screwing hot bitches, doing drugs, accepting bribes, starting a few wars. You know, the usual presidential stuff. Did I mention I’m president?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “You did; I voted for you remember? You said if I voted for you, you’d give me the job at High IQ Productions.”

President Derkle: “I said that? Oh yeah, I did! Sorry, my memory must be going a bit funny. It’s probably all the cocaine I’ve been doing! Cocaine makes you cool; did you know that?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “……..What do you want?”

President Derkle: “Oh nothing much my homie, just wanted to see what my main man was up to. How’s the film and stuff going?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s going fine, not to blow my own trumpet, but I think it will single handily revolutionise the entire concept of cinematic media”.

President Derkle: “Oh that’s great! By the way you haven’t had any weird ass offers to join some kind of crazy cult now have you?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “No, why do you ask?”

President Derkle: “Well you know how I work for the internet police now and all that?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “No”.

President Derkle: “Oh yeah, I work for the internet police now. They’re using me to spread their influence so they can take over the oyster. Just thought you’d like to know”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “What?”

President Derkle: “Well I’ve been hearing rumours that there’s an upcoming rival organisation called The Church of the Consensus; they’re planning to take us over! They think they can get needlessly angry at opposing opinions about fictional media even more than us? Pah! We’ll show them!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “You work for the internet police!?”

President Derkle: “Apparently they’re looking for recruits, and since you are the most petty, self-obsessed dork I know, I’m almost certain they will come to you for help!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t care”.

President Derkle: “Well if you know anything, please let me know”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “I’m not helping you”.

President Derkle: “Oh, and one other thing”.

RickAndMortyFan69: *sigh “Yes?”

President Derkle: “You know that fine ass ho we used to travel with?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Who?”

President Derkle: “You know the magic chick with the dragon?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “You mean Me-Me?”

President Derkle: “Oh yeah, that’s that bitch’s name”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “Your good friend Me-Me?”

President Derkle: “Yeah, she had a fine ass my dude, wouldn’t mind taking that bitch for a ride if you know what I’m saying? Well anyway, she just showed up with these other douchebags, so maybe you wanted to come and hang out or something, or maybe not idk but the offer is open”.

RickAndMortyFan69: “You’ve really changed, you know that?”

President Derkle: “Hahaha! It’s just that I’ve discovered the truth my boy! The truth about life!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “What?”

President Derkle: “Life aint shit but bitches and money”.

Book 2