Androux – Book 2 – Volume 4

Me-Me was the first to regain consciousness in the back of the internet police transport; she looked around to see Anorak and Boffin still unconscious but breathing; Androux lay motionless on the floor because he is a lamp post.

Me-Me: “Oh for fucks sake.”

A few moments passed and Anorak regained consciousness as well.


Me-Me: “How long is he going to be like that?”

Anorak: “Be like what…”

Me-Me narrowed her eyes at Anorak.

Me-Me: “Like. THAT. A lamp post! How long will he be a lamp post?”

Anorak: “AWWWH well it’s hard to say; we aimed for about pi but it was a hasty calibration”

Me-Me: “Pie?”

Anorak: “Pi! Approximately 3.14”

Me-Me: “3.14 WHAT?!!”

Anorak: “Days! I think… it could have been years though, Boffin might know. HEY BOFFIN!”

Boffin, who was unconscious up until this point became immediately animated at the mention of his name as if he was never even out.

Boffin: “Days I think… though it could have been years I was just so excited!”

Me-Me: “So a quick rundown of the extra steps to this mission; on top of escaping the internet police we now also have to get back to the machine, which by now is surely swarming with internet police guards to turn him back…”

Anorak and Boffin gave Me-Me a confused look.

Me-Me: “What?”

Anorak: “How would going back to the machine turn Androux back?”

Me-Me: “We… reverse the process…”

Boffin: “AWWWHHHH That’s not a bad idea!”

Anorak: “How do we reverse the process?”

Me-Me: “Why are you asking me; you built it!”

Anorak: “We didn’t build it with reversal in mind.”

Boffin: “We assumed you know something about the technology we didn’t.”

Me-Me: “WHAT? And why would you think that?”

Anorak: “Because you mentioned it.”

Me-Me found herself at a complete loss for words; before she had the opportunity to regain her composure the transport came to an abrupt stop; after what sounded like a bit of a kerfuffle the back doors opened. Once their eyes adjusted to the sudden increase in light they saw PC Underling standing there.

PC Underling: “I fully appreciate that I’m perhaps not your ideal source of rescue but I request you come with me; my superior needs to speak urgently with Androux… truth is we could really use his help.”

Me-Me: “Why should we trust you?”

PC Underling: “We just want to fix things… Look; if you come with us I promise you will have the full protection of the Earth Police.”

Me-Me: “Fine I guess. But you’re carrying Androux.”

PC Underling looked around for Androux.

Me-Me: “The lamp post… it’s a long story.”

Me-Me, Anorak and Boffin all climbed into the back of PC Underlings 2001 Vauxhall Astra 1.7DTi; they then watched as he struggled with Androux, finally he managed to mount him on top of the roof and secure him down with some ratchet straps. They then drove off before any more internet police could appear. They pulled up outside a very fancy looking skyscraper; PC Underling lead them up several floors, finally they stopped outside a door into a small broom closet. PC Underling approached the door and knocked.

Hank Grimes: “You may enter”

PC Underling gestured to the others that they should go ahead, he then went about struggling to pull Androux through the door.

Hank: “PC Underling, why are you bringing a lamp post into my office?”

PC Underling: “This Lamp post is Androux Sir.”

Hank raised an eyebrow.

PC Underling: “It’s true! Ask them.”

Me-Me: “As perplexing as it may seem it is indeed true, and a long story… can I ask why your office seems to be a converted broom closet? You seem to have an entire building at your disposal.”

Hank: “We are a much smaller operation than we once were… we… no longer own the building but we still rent this room.”

Me-Me: “Jesus how much smaller?”

Hank: “Well there’s me, PC Underling here… Andy”

Underling: “Andy retired remember.”

Hank: “Oh that’s right of course.”

Me-Me: “There’s… only two of you?”

Hank: “Yes but we’re a very efficient operation.”

Me-Me: “Well I suppose that’s true; the fact you got us away from the internet police is nothing short of a miracle. What do you need from us anyway?”

Hank: “Well it’s Androux we need really; how can we turn him back?”

Me-Me: “We wait somewhere between 3.14 days and 3.14 years for the effect to wear off.”

Hank: “That’s not good… he turned the planet into an oyster and we were really hoping he could help us turn it back.”

Me-Me’s eyes widened at the mention of the oyster planet.

Me-Me: “Androux… didn’t turn the world into an Oyster… I know who did; no wonder he disappeared from Anoraks house the other day… it was Warren… but they never do anything without good reason; if we can find them I’m sure they could help.”

Anorak: “Boffin and I know a thing or two about turning things into other things”

Me-Me: “They’re a bit full on but if you can get them what they need they should be able to help; I’ll take PC Underling and search for the Warrens, I have a few ideas where they might be.”

Hank: “You know this is actually nice not having to think of a plan. You can take the Astra if it’ll help.”

Anorak: “We’ll need its engine for a power source… not quite a Gardner 6LXB but it’ll have to do…”

Hank: “We also have a tandem bicycle.”

Me-Me: “It’s ok, I can use my magical powers that everyone keeps forgetting I have to call upon my dragon”.

Hank: “Wait, you have a dragon? Wouldn’t that be the sort of thing that would prevent you from being kidnapped?

Me-Me: “Well I had to leave her at Anorak’s hangar to remain discreet when we left for Derkle’s place”.

Hank: “Ok, that makes a bit more sense”.

Me-Me: “Plus she has the habit of accidently levelling entire cities by accident”.

The Cyan eyes off-white dragon landed with a hefty thud outside of an ancient ruin.

Me-Me: “Okay; this has to be where they are”

Me-Me began to walk toward the ruin; upon realising that PC Underling was not following she looked back to see him trying to compose himself.

Me-Me: “Are you okay there?”

PC Underling: “Yes… sorry. I’ve errr never travelled by dragon before… or seen one… now my legs are made of jelly.”

Me-Me: “It takes some getting used to…”

PC Underling: “Where are we anyway.”

Me-Me: “A place long since forgotten; a supermarket… of sorts… from the before time. Welcome to Woolworths”

PC Underling: “Woolworths?!! I thought that was a myth!”

Me-Me: “Yet the evidence stands before us; most have forgotten it even existed, which is why it would be the perfect place for the Warrens to seek refuge.”

PC Underling: “Can’t argue with that; shall we knock on the door?”

Me-Me: “You can if you want but I was just going to walk in”

The two of them approached the door, PC Underling raised a hand to knock but before he could Me-Me had forced her way in; Underling stood for a moment with his hand raised before lowering it and following Me-Me in.

Me-Me: “Hello?”

Head Warren: “Identify yourselves!”

Me-Me: “For fucks sake it’s obviously me, Me-Me! Oh and this is PC underling of the Earth Police.”

Head Warren: “Why did you bring police here?”

Me-Me: “They’re the Earth police, they seem okay; and they need your help with something… wait why am I talking on their behalf… PC Underling?”

PC Underling: “Right… yes, we were hoping you could run us through the whole world is an oyster thing.”

The Head Warren contemplated the query for a moment.

Head Warren: “Oh boy… this is going to be a long one so you might want to grab some pick and mix and pull up some chairs… Are we comfortable? Good.  If you’re here asking this question then I presume Me-Me has already filled you in on the fact that we had something to do with the world becoming an oyster; what you perhaps don’t know is the reason why.

The League of Warrens is old, predating even the oldest historical records. We are a huge network which throughout the ages has listened across the globe; we’ve accumulated quite a lot of knowledge this way and with this knowledge we are often able to predict key events. One such event was the rise of the internet police; a force so powerful it would be almost impossible to stop.

Our only hope was in that of the legend of Androux the Off White; a being which can only exist when the main character of a really stupid work of fiction and a semi resistant product of the internet police fuse together. Allowing this fusion to occur was going to be a tricky one as neither was aware of the others existence; we needed something incredibly stupid to happen that would propel Androux into the line of sight of one RickandMortyFan69, what better way to do that than with a childish play on the ancient phrase ‘The world is your oyster’”

PC Underling: “Is there any way to turn the world back now that the oyster world is no longer needed? Beautiful storytelling by the way.”

Head Warren: “What do you mean oyster world is no longer needed? The internet police are mobilising again! Don’t you listen to any supermarket conversations at all?”

PC Underling: “Don’t get me wrong, I can see why you turned the world into an oyster to being with, it’s just that I’m not sure that it’s needed anymore. Androux and RickAndMortyFan69 know of each other’s existence now, right? So hasn’t oyster world fulfilled its purpose?”

Head Warren: “Hmmmm, I suppose you do have a point. Maybe we can consider returning the world to its previous, non-oyster state”.

PC Underling: “So you’ll do it then?”

Head Warren: “Well, this isn’t the sort of thing you can just rush into, there are some serious procedures that need to be considered: debates need to take place, treaties must be signed, plans must be made! We need to set in motion a proper exit plan for oyster world. We will call it: Oystxit!

PC Underling: “This is excellent! I will inform my boss at once!”

Me-Me: “Is this all really necessary though; do we really need the world to go back to the way it was? The world has been an oyster for a while now and it seems people have just gotten used to it. Won’t turning the world back to normal just upset people even more?”

PC Underling: “Completely out of the question, change is scary and I don’t like it”.

Me-Me: “But…. You’d be changing it again”.

PC Underling: “CHANGE IS SCARY!”

Androux woke up, once again, with a start; finding himself sitting at a dining table in some kind of suburban household. He could hear the sounds of cooking coming from the other room.

Androux: “Where am I?”

????????: “Hello, who is it?”

It was a woman’s voice – a voice Androux could have sworn he had heard once before. The owner of the voice poked her head into the dining to see who had magically entered her house. Androux instantly recognised the gravity-defying pink hair and the subsequent person it was attached to.

Androux: “Annie-May?”

Annie-May: “Hello Androux, I haven’t seen you since our Skoda race in the land of the dead! How have you been?”

Androux: “Well I got arrested for a crime I didn’t commit and then I got turned into a lamppost, so things aren’t going that well to be brutally honest with you. So where am I anyway, am I in the land of the dead again?”

Annie-May: “Oh heavens no! I moved out of there ages ago. You’re in The Land of Convenient Exposition. My husband wanted to bring you here, he’s been anxious to meet you, you know. He’ll be home any minute, so you two can talk all about it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must attend to the cookies”.

Annie-May returned to her cooking and left Androux alone in the dining room, the walls of which were adorned with lovingly painted portraits of himself and everyone he’d met during his adventures, including all his friends and enemies. It was almost as if Annie-May and whoever else lived here were trying to document his entire life. Andoux’s pondering was cut short by the sound of the front door opening.

??????: “Honey I’m home!”

A strange creature came through the door, took off its coat, put down the suitcase it was carrying and sat down on the living room sofa. The creature’s appearance was so baffling, so bizarre, so mind-bendingly confusing, that the narrator couldn’t even assemble the words to make an accurate description of it.

Annie-May: “How was your day sweetie?”

Annie-May sat down next to the creature and gave it a tender kiss on what presumably were its lips.

??????: “Oh you know, same old same old. I assume our guest has arrived?”

Annie-May: “He’s waiting for you in the dining room”.

??????: “Good, I best not keep him waiting then”.

The creature of pure undescribeableness made its way into the dining room and took a seat at the opposite end of the dining table to Androux.

??????: “Greetings child”.

Androux: “Hello there, and who might you be?”

Ecived Tolp: “My name is the Ecived Tolp, and I’ve been waiting a very long time to finally speak with you. Since your corporeal form is currently a lamppost, I decided that now would be opportune time to discuss important matters with you, as you would otherwise not be occupied”.

Androux: “So, what did you want to talk with me about, is this about saving oyster world from the internet police? Because I’m kind of already on it.”

Ecived Tolp: “Oh my sweet, innocent child, there’s a lot you don’t know about the internet police”.

Androux: “Like what?”

Ecived Tolp: “Do you know what the internet police actually are, Androux? They’re a hivemind: its operatives have no real identity of their own, nor possess the ability of independent thought. They work in unison with one goal in mind: to crush anyone with the wrong opinions of fictional entertainment”.

Androux: “No offense, but you aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know”.

Ecived Tolp: “There’s more to it: some officers are granted a higher state of awareness and the ability to act more independently than most internet police operatives, if they prove themselves worthy to the cause of course. So far we only know of two such officers, one of which was SouthParkFan420, who you have already disposed of”.

Androux: “But who grants them these powers, I thought you said the internet police is a hivemind?”

Ecived Tolp: “It is, but someone, somewhere a very long time ago must have created it and possibly still has some influence over it. We need you to find out who this is, only then can you truly defeat the internet police”.

Androux: “And how am I supposed to do that?”

Ecived Tolp: “We want you to track down this man”.

The Ecived Tolp, using what may or may not or been its hands, gave Androux a small piece of paper with a picture on it. It displayed the image of some kind of horrifying, armoured super-soldier.

Androux: “Who is he? I don’t think I’ve ever seen him before”.

Ecived Tolp: “His name is Officer Buttmunch, he’s the other high-ranking officer in the internet police that we know of. He rose to power after the King’s demise. We need you to track him down and find out everything he knows, as he could be our key to leading us to the internet police’s original creator, if he, her or it is still alive”.

Androux: “I’ll do it, you can count on me!”

Ecived tolp: “Good, I knew you wouldn’t refuse. We will send you back to your world, where you will return to your original non-lamppost form”.

Annie-May: “Your 3.14 is almost up, it’s time for you to be heading back home then!”

Androux: “But wait, what does 3.14 actually mean?”


Annie-May: “It’s how long it takes for the cookies to be done, silly!”

Androux: “But that doesn’t make any seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnse!”





Anorak and Boffin’s session of ogling the Androux-post was cut short by said lamppost transforming into a rather dazed and confused looking Androux.


Hank Grimes: “Androux, you’re back at last!”

Anorak and Boffin: “Awwwhhhh…..”

Androux: “Where am I, and who are you?”

Hank Grimes: “My name is Hank Grimes, captain of the Earth police. And you my friend, have a lot to answer for”.

Androux: “I don’t understand, what did I do?”

Hank Grimes: “We’ve been trying to track you down for months to get you to answer for your crime of turning the world into a giant space oyster. You’re lucky I just got off the phone with my associate to negotiate a deal with the league of warrens to get us out of this mess, otherwise there’d be hell to pay!”

Androux: “That’s all very well, but I’m afraid that there are much bigger troubles on the horizon. You see, whilst I was a lamppost I was taken to a strange new world where I was given a task by two interdimensional beings to track down someone called Officer Buttmunch. It’s a mission of utmost urgency!”

Hank Grimes: “You do realise how stupid what you’ve just said is? Like I’m going to let you go on some random escapade because of a dream you had! You’re in my custody, so you’ll go where I tell you to and that’s final!”

Androux: “Anorak, Boffin, are you going to say anything, anything at all”.



Anorak: “Mayor Derkle……. Betrayed us? No, I don’t believe it”.


Androux: “No, that can’t be, there has to be a misunderstanding. I need to confront him personally and get some answers, maybe he knows where this officer Buttmunch person is”.

Hank Grimes: “Oh, I don’t think so, you’re coming with me to the league of warrens HQ to take part in these negotiations, same goes for the two of you”.


Hank Grimes: “*Sigh* possibly”.


Book 2