RickAnMortyFan69: “Daddy?”
SouthParkFan420: “What is it son?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You know earlier how you were telling me the difference between good and bad writing?”
SouthParkFan420: “Why of course”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s just that I’m not sure I entirely agree with your proposed hypothesis”.
SouthParkFan69: “Oh really, and why’s that?”
RickAndmOrtyFan69: “It’s just that I feel like the themes, emotions and ideas involved in something as complex as storytelling are far too nuanced to be simply labelled as good and bad. Besides, what does the categorisation of artwork even achieve in the first place? Surely the reason human beings create anything is to break away from the mundanity of pre-existing ideals and bring something new into the world? Historically speaking, the most profound and memorable pieces of writing are the ones that challenged what we already knew,giving us an opportunity for growth and allowing us to becomemore well-rounded people. Using art as nothing more than a subject for categorisation completely nullifies the quest to uncover a deeper meaning to life in my personal opinion, soI thinkthat collectively we need to stop studying art under the false pretence of objectivity, and start looking at it in terms of how it speaks to us on an individual level. After all, not all artistic creations are designed for a mass-market appeal”.
SouthParkFan420: “I think a certain someone needs to go and sit on the naughty step again”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes father”.
Samantha: “I can’t believe it’s finally done”.
Benjamin: “And all it took was the majority of my self-respect and will to live”.
Samantha: “Was it worth it?”
Benjamin: “Probably not”.
Samantha: “Oh cheer up! We’ve finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel.”
Benjamin: “Don’t get your hopes up now, this is just the rough-cut screening after all”.
Samantha: “Well the majority of our work is done on the film, so frankly I don’t care about what happens to it from here”.
Benjamin: “Yeah, but we sank the last few months of our lives into this piece of shit, so we may as well witness the fruits of our labour. You coming then?”
Samantha: “You bet; I just need a few moments to brace myself”.
Benjamin: “My soul is prepared”.
Samantha and Benjamin entered the room where the rough-cut screening was taking place; it was a small room that they rented out as they couldn’t afford anything bigger, due to the director spending a suspicious amount of money on Twitch.tv donations. The room was filled with a few other important members of the production, such as the editor and some of the other actors. Standing in front of the screen that the film was to be projected on stood RickAndMortyFan69, poised ready to give a speech to his employees:
RickAndMortyFan69: “My loyal minions, thank you all for being here with me tonight! Over the last few months, I have been honoured to receive your undying respect and admiration as you marvel at my unrivalled brilliance!”
Cast member 1: “Booooo! Move out the way of the screen so we can watch the fucking film already!”
Cast member 2: “Who are you again?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “What you are about to witness is arguablyone of the most important events in the history of cinematic cinematography! For far too long people have been trying to make films to fulfil some kind of creative desire, trying to bring new ideas into the world, making people feeeeeeeeel things, or pushing the boundaries of what is possible. Not me though”.
Benjamin: “Such a brave and respectable pioneer”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “After years of gruelling research by reading highly upvoted posts on Reddit, I have finally uncovered the meaning of life!”
Samantha: “I highly doubt that”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Since the dawn of civilisation, mankind has tried making works of art,pondering his or her own existence in an attempt to finally answer that ultimate question: why? But I alone have finally found the truth to all creative endeavour!And here it is: the ultimate goal of existence is to create something that temporarily makes you feel smarter than people you’ve never met on the internet, so you can congratulate yourself for having the best taste in fictional entertainment!”
Benjamin: “Well good luck with that”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “And that’s where this film comes in: what I have made here is OBJECTIVELY the most objective film ever made in the history of the universe! The character arcs are archier, and there is more cinematography than any other film, but best of all there are almost no women in it, so there are no politics!”
Samantha: “Someone should tell him what politics are”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “When this film is finally unleashed upon the world, it will singlehandedly make all other films previously made completely redundant, because mine is objectively better!”
Benjamin: “Jesus Christ, it’s just a Star Wars film”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “People will bask in my magnificent knowledge of how I think science fiction stories should be written, allowing me to ascend to a higher plane of being! I WILL BECOME A GOD!”
Samantha: “Modesty is such an attractive quality in a man”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Now, without further ado, BEHHOLD – MY MAGNUM OPUS!”
Everyone took their seats and the lights dimmed. The room fell silent as the opening titles began.
Benjamin: “By the way Samantha, I snuck in a bottle of Jack Daniels if you want some”.
Samantha: “I’m not sure that really fits the cinema experience, perhaps a diet coke and some popcorn instead?”
Benjamin: “The film is 13 hours long”.
Samantha: “Give me some of that shit”.
13 long and very tedious hours later.
Audience member 1: “What the hell did I just watch?”
Audience member 2: “Why was the lightsaber fight at the end 6 hours long?”
Audience member 3: “Why did Grand Moff Tarkin give a PowerPoint presentation on how imperial blasters work halfway into the film?”
Audience member 4: “Why was Darth Vader constantly comparing the rebels to his hatred of sand?”
It seemed that the initial reception to RickAndMortyFan69’s film had not gone quite the way he anticipated. The room echoed with sounds of confusion, frustration and disappointment at the product they had created.
Benjamin: “Well that was unsurprisingly awful. Samantha are you ok? Samantha?”
Samantha sat there laying back in her seat, passed out likely due to a mixture of boredom and drunkenness.
Benjamin: “Well MrMortyFan, it seems that your film has been received just as well as I imagined”.
RickAndMortyFan69 surveyed his disappointed subjects, completely unsure why they weren’t basking in the magnificence of his genius and kissing his feet. Instead, they made their way to the exit, eager to get home and forget the last 13 hours of their lives.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Hmm, it’s bold in terms of jerking people around but……. I may have gone too far in a few places”.
Benjamin: “That’s an understatement for sure. Anyway, there’s nothing we can do about it now so we’ll sort it out tomorrow. Samantha are you coming?”
Samantha said nothing as she still hadn’t awoken from her drunken slumber. Benjamin picked her up, partially drunk himself, and carried her out of the room.
The next day and a reasonable amount of Neurofen later…..
Benjamin: “So, how do we fix this mess?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “It boggles the mind…..”
Benjamin: “We could probably cut out some of those more extraneous scenes, like part at the beginning where you give a detailed history of the planets in the background of the star destroyer chase”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’ve thought about this quite a bit and the tricky part is you almost can’t take any of those pieces out of there now, as each one kind of takes you to the next place and you can’t jump because you don’t know where you are”.
Benjamin: “Look, I know you’re very attached to you work Mr MortyFan, but people aren’t going to sit through a film that’s 13 hours long, we need to trim the fat somehow”.
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s stylistically designed to be that way and you can’t undo that, but we can diminish the effects of it”.
Benjamin: “I have literally no idea what you just said, but ok”.
After many strained negotiations, the assistant director and the editing team were able to convince their boss to cut down the overlong 13-hour film, into a much more modest and restrained 11-hour feature-length. The cut 2 hours would likely be added back in for the Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope: Special Edition 2 – The intellectual version RickAndMortyFan69 Cut. The head director wasn’t too happy about this but no matter, it was time for his film to be released upon the world. He knew that soon he would finally get the recognition he so rightfully deserved; when the rest of the world finally agrees the RickAndMortyFan69 is as smart as he thinks he is.
Reporter: “News just in: the newly released film, Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope: Special Edition 2 – The intellectual version, is unanimously considered by critics as ‘the worst film of all time’. We had the opportunity to interview some of the reviewers and this is what they had to say”:
Reviewer 1: “This film is awful and plays out like the self-indulgent fanfiction of its creator”.
Reviewer 2: “11 hours long? It makes the Snyder cut seem brief in comparison”.
Reviewer 3: “This film is bad because it’s nothing like the books that it’s based on which I’ve never read”.
Reviewer 4: “I noticed a plot inconsistency around the 4-hour mark, which made it completely unwatchable for me. I will be sure to create multiple IMBD accounts so I can give this film 1-star reviews over and over again, just to prove a point!”
Reviewer 5: “Speaking as a connoisseur of the flawless examples as cinema known as the Star Wars Prequel trilogy, this new film did not intellectually stimulate me nearly as much as the movies George Lucas made during the late 90s and early 2000s. Hence fourth I will be organising an online petition to prevent RickAndMortyFan69 from making any more films, as well as to scrub this abomination from the history of cinema!”
Reviewer 6: “I saw a woman in it at one point. For fuck’s sake I wish the liberal media would stop forcing politics into my aging Sci-Fi properties.”
Reviewer 7: “Release the RickAndMortyFan cut!”
Several days passed and the bad reviews kept pouring in. Surprisingly concerned for his boss’s wellbeing, Benjamin decided to check up on his boss to see how he was coping with the backlash.
Benjamin: “Mr Mortyfan? Hello, are you in here?”
Benjamin was sure he’d seen RickAndMortyFan69 in his office at some point today, but he was nowhere to be seen and the lights were off. Despite this, the assistant director switched them on and ventured further into the office.
RickAndMortyFan69: *Sniff*
Benjamin: “Boss, where are you?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Go away.”
Benjamin: “Ah, there you are.”
Benjamin looked under his boss’s desk to see the head director curled up in the foetal position, quietly sobbing to himself.
Benjamin: “Awwwww are you all upset about the bad reviews your film is getting?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes *sob sob*.”
Benjamin: “How my heart bleeds for you. We could watch that 50-hour video about how Chris Chibnall’s Doctor Who episodes are communist propaganda, would that cheer you up?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “No, leave me alone!”
Benjamin: “So your film sucked, but so what? Bad films get released all the time! People will forget about it soon enough.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “You don’t understand, they’re out to get me now; because they didn’t like the one film I made, they think I’m a horrible person now.”
Benjamin: “Just because your film is bad doesn’t mean you are a terrible person. No, it’s the poor treatment of your staff that does that.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s not fair, they don’t know me! Just because they didn’t like my film, they’ve started an online petition to prevent me from ever making films again! What person even wastes their time starting a petition to change a film they don’t like? It’s not like I’m forcing them to watch it.”
Benjamin: “Jesus, you’ve really stumped me.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I never meant to hurt anyone, all I ever wanted was for people to like me.”
Androux, Hank, Anorak and Boffin made their way to the Oysxit negotiations at Woolworths, using PC Underling’s 2001 Vauxhall Astra 1.7DTi as transport. It was a long journey but they had almost made it, stopping only once on the way for a round of Grand Slams at Denny’s.
Androux: “This really isn’t necessary you know; I have a very important mission to complete.”
Hank Grimes: “Oh shut up Androux. We ARE going to these negotiations to fix the mess you made and you’re going to play along, whether you like it or not.”
Androux: “You don’t understand; this person I’m looking for, he could lead me to whoever created the internet police in the first place.”
Hank Grimes: “So?”
Androux: “Wouldn’t it be great to be finally be rid of them once and for all?”
Hank Grimes slowly brought the Astra to a halt so he could digest this new information, as well as the Grand Slam he ate earlier.
Hank Grimes: “They have been a constant thorn in my side for a long time now, but how would you even do that?”
Androux: “I’m the main character after all! This grants me special powers; I did turn the world into a giant oyster, didn’t I?”
Hank Grimes: “I suppose……”
Androux: “I won’t be able to do it alone though, I would need your help. We can take the internet police down together!”
Hank Grimes: “So if I joined you on your quest, we could destroy them once and for all?”
Androux: “I will do everything in my power to stop them, it is my destiny!”
Hank grimes: “Fine, I’ll join you, but you better not make me regret it.”
Androux: “Thank you Mr Grimes, Trust me you will not regret this decis-“
Steve: “I disagree, I think we should all go to these negotiations.”
Androux: “STEVE!? When did you get here? How did you get here?”
Hank Grimes: “You raise a good point Steve; we should definitely go to these negotiations. I’m really glad you’re here to help us out with all these tough decisions!”
Androux: “Am I the only one that noticed Steve just materialised out of nowhere?”
Anorak: “AAAAWWWWWHHHHH I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN ANDROUX. STEVE IS OUR GOOD FRIEND AND HAS BEEN FOR SOME TIME!”
Androux: “But he wasn’t here before, I swear!”
Boffin: “AAAAWWWWWHHHHHH HE’S BEEN WITH US IN THE CAR THE WHOLE TIME, HAVEN’T YOU NOTICED?”
Androux: “This is a joke, right? Am I insane?”
Hank Grimes: “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Steve has always been with us, right Steve?”
Steve stared blankly and said nothing.
Hank Grimes: “Haha! Oh Steve, always the quiet one.”
Androux: “Unbelievable.”
An hour or so later, the 5 of them arrived at Woolworths for the first Oystixt debate. Me-Me was waiting outside to greet them.
Me-Me: “You all better hurry inside, the debates are due to start any moment. Wait, STEVE? YOU’RE HERE!?”
Androux: “Don’t ask, he just sort of showed up.”
Steve: “Hey.”
Me-Me: “Don’t talk to me.”
Steve: “But-“
Me-Me: “I SAID DON’T TALK TO ME!”
Everyone went inside to observe the first debate; it would be taking place in a large room with a stage setup, equipped with an extensive seating area that was currently filled to the brim with Warrens. Androux, Me-Me, Anorak, Boffin and Steve found some spare seats, whilst Hank Grimes took to the stage.
Warren: “Welcome everyone, to the first of many Oystxit debates! Over in the left corner representing the remain party, that is remaining to keep the world as a giant oyster, is head warren!”
The clearly biased crowd of warrens broke out into a thunderous applause.
Head Warren: “Thank you, thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here.”
Warren: “Before we start I have just one question for you.”
Head Warren: “Yes?”
Warren: “As the figurehead of the remain party, why did you decide to give the Oystxit negotiations the go-head? Doesn’t that seem somewhat contradictory?”
Head Warren: “That’s a good question Warren – I decided that the chance of the ‘leave’ vote winning is so unlikely that I thought I’d let people vote anyway, just for giggles.”
Warren: “But what if the opposition does win?”
Head Warren: “Pah! What are the chances of that? It’s not like anyone would be stupid enough to vote leave anyway, it would have horrible consequences for years to come!”
Warren: “Well I wish you the best in your conquest against, erm, yourself. Anyway, over here in the right corner, representing the leave party is Hank Grimes of the Earth Police!”
The crowd fell completely silent, all except for PC Underling cheering like a hooligan somewhere at the back.
Warren: “So Hank, why did you decide to create the ‘leave’ party?”
Hank Grimes: “Well Warren, ever since the world turned into an oyster……. bad things have been happening.”
Warren: “Bad things, like what?”
Hank Grimes: “The economy is bad, immigration is bad, bad things are bad. Dare I say more?”
Warren: “Well, you could be a bit more specific.”
Hank Grimes: “If the world were to revert to it’s original state, all the bad things will go away and we can finally build the utopia we’ve always dreamed of.”
Warren: “That sounds entirely realistic and plausible Hank. Now that we’ve introduced the contestants, LET THE WARS BEGIN!”
Me-Me: “This seems less like a political debate and more like a really bad games show.”
Androux: “There’s a difference?”
Warren: “So Warren, why should the world remain an oyster?”
Head Warren: “Why fix what isn’t broken? When planet Earth first suddenly transformed into a giant space oyster, the populace was understandable quite shocked. It took some time, but people learned to adapt and eventually love their new home.”
Hank Grimes: “I didn’t, I still think it sucks!”
Warren: “Quiet Mr Grimes, let Warren finish speaking.”
Head Warren: “Now that everyone has long since adjusted to oyster world, why change it back? It would just cause further frustration and confusion.”
Warren: “Very eloquently put Warren. So, Mr Grimes, you offer the counterpoint that since Oysterworld had served its initial purpose, it should now be transformed back into its original state. Would you care to elaborate on this?”
Hank Grimes: “Leave means leave!”
PC Underling: “Yeah whooooooo, go Hank!”
Warren: “That’s fine I guess, but what are your actual policies?”
Hank Grimes: “Policies? What do you mean policies? I’ve made my stance perfectly clear! Leave means leave!”
PC Underling: “Yeah! Leave means leave!”
Warren: “I understand, but you haven’t given much of a counter-argument to Mr Warren over here.”
Hank Grimes: “I offer the counter-argument that my opponent is a dick!”
Head Warren: “I will not stand here and take these insults, from some underfunded and obsolete organisation!”
Warren: “Settle down everyone! My point is Mr Grimes, that you haven’t seemed to consider anyone else’s needs; it all seems to be about what you and the Earth police want, rather than what’s best for all of us. What kind of policies does your party have to offer for everyone else?
Hank Grimes: “You want some fucking policies? Fine! We’ll give 350 million pounds a week to our medical staff! There, are you happy now?”
Warren: “Is that true, or did you just make that up now?”
Hank Grimes: “Yes”.
Me-Me: “Forget this.”
Slightly afraid to lose anymore brain-cells to this aggravating spectacle, Me-Me walked out. Androux, sharing a very similar sentiment, quickly followed suit.
Me-Me: “I had very little faith in this, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.”
Androux: “I just wish we could get this over quickly so I can complete my mission. Time is of the essence!”
Me-Me: “Mission? What mission?”
Androux: “Whilst I was visiting the land of convenient exposition, I was given the task by the Ecived Tolp and some anime girl to track down Officer Buttmunch. He will then lead me to whoever created the internet police so I can defeat them once and for all!”
Me-Me: “That sounds absolutely absurd, but for some reason I believe you.”
Androux: “I don’t suppose we could just, you know, leave? Let the Warrens and Hank fight it out and slip away unnoticed?”
Me-Me: “As much as I would love to, I’m sure then Earth police will track us down again. Their entire organisation may only consist of two people, a broom closet and a Vauxhall Astra, but they are extremely efficient…… somehow.”
Androux: “Then I guess we have no choice but to wait this out and play along with Hank.”
Me-Me: “Yes, but there’s something that still irks me.”
Androux: “Really? And what’s that?”
Me-Me: “It’s Steve; I won’t question how he just magically showed up, he does that a lot after all, but there must be a reason why he’s here.”
Androux: “Does it matter though? He is our friend after all – he helped us defeat the internet police the first time around, remember?”
Me-Me: “Trust me, you don’t know Steve like I do; I know he plays all friendly and innocent, but he never does anything without an ulterior motive.”
Androux: “But he could just be here to help us. I don’t understand Me-Me, what is this grudge you have against Steve?”
Me-Me: “*Sigh* We were together.”