Samantha: “So let me get this straight – he spent all of our budget on Twitch Prime subscriptions? Why?”
Benjamin: “He’s been diagnosed with a terminal case of being a simp. There’s no hope for him now, not that I ever had much faith in him, even before he blew all our budget on E-girls.”
Samantha: “Shame, I really thought he was above that.”
Benjamin: “No you didn’t.”
Samantha: “You’re right, so what does this mean for High IQ Productions?”
Benjamin: “Well once again it’s up to me plug holes in this sinking ship of a company. Honestly I’ve got no idea how I’m going to pull it off this time.”
Samantha: “We could just….. you know…..”
Benjamin: “What?”
Samantha: “Bail?”
Benjamin: “Please, I’ve been wanting to be done with this place since day one! Unfortunately, I’ve got nowhere else to go.”
Samantha: “Oh come on, your talents are completely wasted here! You could do so much better.”
Benjamin: “Haha! Have you seen the job market recently? A friend of mine tried to apply for a minimum wage job at a shop not long ago; he got rejected because the role required a master’s degree, 20 years of retail experience, expertise in neuroscience and to have been to Mars at least once. Sure, I hate this job and it’s constantly diminishing my sense of self-worth, but I’m sticking with it.”
Samantha: “Is it really worth it though?”
Benjamin: “No, of course not! But what else can I even do?”
Samantha rested her hand gently on Benjamin’s shoulder.
Samantha: “Don’t be like that Ben; we both know you were made for better things than this. Wouldn’t you love to be part of something you actually care about?”
Benjamin: “I’d love to, but it’s not that simple.”
Samantha: “Who says it isn’t?”
Benjamin: “Well if it’s that easy for you, why don’t you leave then?”
Samantha paused and removed her hand from his shoulder.
Samantha: “Fine, maybe I will. Goodbye Ben, have a nice life.”
Samantha slammed the door of Benjamin’s office behind her.
Benjamin: “Fuck.”
Hank Grimes: “….. So by following the evidence to its most logical conclusion, we can see with perfect clarity that by opponent is a poopy butt who smells bad!”
Head Warren: “Unbelievable – I refute these allegations that I smell like a poorly cleaned backside! In fact, I think you’ll find that it is YOU who smells like a butt!”
As you can see, the Oystxit debates were going absolutely swimmingly; it had taken almost 5 minutes before Hank Grimes and the Head Warren broke out into hurling childish insults at each other.
Hank Grimes: “So what if I smell like a butt? Your momma is gay!”
Warren: “Gentlemen, please…..”
Head Warren: “I will not stand idly by whilst this lowlife spews these baseless accusations that my mother is gay! Besides, we all know the truth about the leave party.”
Hank Grimes: “Oh yeah? And what truth is that?”
Head Warren: “That everyone in your party has a very small pee-pee!”
Hank Grimes: “You take that back you bastard, I do not have a small pee-pee!”
Head Warren: “Yes you do, it is commonplace knowledge amongst the populace!”
Hank Grimes: “Well your Nan sells Avon!”
Head Warren: “I think you’ll find that it is YOUR Nan who sells Avon!”
Hank Grimes: “No yours!”
Head Warren: “No you!”
Hank Grimes: “No you times ten!”
Head Warren: “No you times infinity.”
Hank Grimes: “I’m not listening lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!”
Head Warren: “Lalalalalalalalalalalala!”
Warren: “SILENCE! It’s obvious to me that we’re not getting anywhere like this. Perhaps we need a change of speaker? Hmmm…… Mr Grimes, haven’t you brought a special guest?”
Hank Grimes: “Of course, Androux! I knew I dragged you all the way here for something, now get your ass up here and make yourself useful for once!”
Head Warren: “Ah yes, the great Androux; the fulfiller of our sacred prophecy. I reckon he has a much more reasonable insight on this situation compared to this buffoon.”
Hank Grimes: “Watch it, ginger.”
Androux: “Ok, but since I’m responsible for saving all your lives, I believe I’ve made myself plenty useful in the past.”
Androux slowly got up from his seat and made his way to the front stage. He could feel the Warrens eyes bore into him as he went by.
Hank Grimes: “Ladies and Gentlemen. May I present to you: the idiot responsible for this mess.”
Hank left the stand, ready for Androux to take his place.
Hank Grimes: “You better not mess this up, or there’ll be hell to pay!”
This was it; the time for Androux to make his debut at Oystxit had finally arrived. An impatient crowd looked onward, knowing that their future could be determined by the next few words of a Crystal Meth addict, who’s appearance still hasn’t been described by the writers yet. Stakes were high, so Androux could leave no room for doubt. This time, there could be no mistakes.
Androux: “Hey everyone! How’s it going? I don’t really want to be here, plus I’ve got more important things to be getting on with, so Imma make this snappy.”
Hank Grimes: “For fuck’s sake Androux.”
Androux: “Mr Warren; first of all, let me say that I completely understand your original need to transform the world into a giant space oyster. It was an absolutely necessary decision to make at the time.”
Head Warren: “Thank you, I’m glad someone understands.”
Androux: “May I also say that I’ve really enjoyed Oysterworld so far – it’s been a very refreshing change of scenery and on the whole, I find it far more interesting than Planet Earth.”
Head Warren: “If you feel that way, then why do you side with Hank Grimes and the Earth Police?”
Androux: “Even though I personally like Oysterworld, it makes no difference to the bigger picture here.”
Head Warren: “And what is this ‘bigger picture?’ Explain yourself!”
Androux looked to his side and gestured towards Hank Grimes; he was standing at the back corner of the stage, looking very disgruntled at Androux’s choice of words.
Androux: “Take a look at Mr Grimes here; do you know why he wants to change the world back to normal?”
Head Warren: “Because he is a fool! Why else?”
Androux: “Yes, but also no. The reason he hates Oyster World isn’t necessarily because it’s better or worse than planet Earth, it’s simply because you changed it. You upset the status quo and he will never be happy with it. Change goes against everything him and the Earth Police stand for.”
Head Warren: “I see your point Mr Androux, but there’s no reason why we should go through the trouble of changing the world back, just to appease him and his outdated organisation!”
Androux: “Once again, you’re missing the big picture. There are millions of people out there in the world, just like Hank, who will never be content with the changes you’ve made. They will hold this grudge against you until the day you die. Even if you win Oystxit today, Hank will probably start up Oystxit 2: Electric Boogaloo tomorrow. Is that something you want to deal with? Do you really want people like him to pester you about this for the rest of your life?”
The Head Warren paused in a moment of contemplation, picturing Androux’s scenarios in his head and mulling over the consequences.
Head Warren: “Androux….. you’ve given me a lot to think about.”
Agent Anderson: “Are the gunships prepared Jimmy?”
Jimmy: “Joo bet bwoss! Deh enema-ee wowent no wot ‘it ‘em!”
Agent Anderson: “Good work, expect an extra helping of ice cream with your dessert later.”
Jimmy: “Hooray!”
Agent Anderson: “We depart at 0900 hours.”
Jimmy: “900 hours! I dident reel-eyes there wer dat man-e ourz in deh day!”
Agent Anderson: “Shut up Jimmy.”
Jimmy: “R yoo comming az well?”
Agent Anderson: “Of course – I want witness Androux’s destruction personally. I let him escape once, it won’t happen again.”
As Agent Anderson watched his massive armada gather in the internet police’s main hangar, a laughably out of place figure attempted to navigate its way around the soldiers and military equipment; it was President Derkle.
President Derkle: “Excuse me Mr soldier, can I get past please? I need to speak to Mr Anderson; it is of utmost importance! Could you all move out of my way? Please? I am asking nicely! I AM YOUR PRESIDENT AND I DEMAND THAT I BE ALLOWED TO PASS!”
Upon witnessing his navigational dilemma, Agent Anderson approached president Derkle to save him the trouble.
Agent Anderson: “Mr President, we’ve almost finished preparing the troops for the assault on Androux. There’s nothing you can do to stop this now, if that’s why you’re here.”
President Derkle: “I’m not here to stop you Anderson, I want to come with you.”
Agent Anderson: “Are you sure that’s wise?”
President Derkle: “Please, let me speak to Androux. I can reason with him, make him see our point of view. Me and him were friends once, so there’s a chance he’ll listen to me.”
Agent Anderson: “Derkle, if I have to remind you of your loyalties again……”
President Derkle: “It’s not that I swear! I just want to end this conflict as peacefully as I can.”
Agent Anderson: “Ha! The opportunity for you to take some grand moral stance has long since passed! It’s always about Androux, it always has been.”
President Derkle: “How dare you! I don’t have to justify my reasoning to you, I’m your goddamn President! AND IT’S ABOUT TIME THAT YOU START SHOWING ME SOME MOTHERFUCKING RESPEC-”
Agent Anderson: “What the hell was that?”
A small green crayon dribbled out of the president’s nose and hit the floor with an almost inaudible clink.
Agent Anderson: “Is that a fucking crayon?”
Derkle reached down, picked up the small Crayola product and coddled it in the palms of his hands.
President Derkle: “It is, A CRAYON! I haven’t sneezed out one of these since I was with……. Wow, has it been that long? I didn’t think I had it in me anymore.”
Agent Anderson: “You’re not coming with us Derkle, I’m still unconvinced of your allegiance to the internet police. Until then, I’m putting you under house arrest at your 5 – bedroom unfurnished rental property. Guards, take him away!”
Two internet police guards came to escort Derkle away from the premises. They didn’t use force however, as the president agreed to go quietly without a struggle.
President Derkle: “Have I really fallen that far?”
As this whole fiasco was unfolding, a concealed Steve had been observing the military preparations from behind some hangar crates.
Steve: “Hmmm, how interesting.”
Steve vanished, again.
Hank Grimes: “Androux, you made me look like a right arse out there! With that said, it seems you’ve partially changed the Head Warren’s mind, so well done.”
Androux: “Thanks Hank, but we aren’t out of this yet.”
Me-Me: “You did well out there Androux, I’m proud of you. But there’s still something that’s bugging me about all this.”
Androux: “Really? And what’s that?”
Me-Me: “These debates, no one on the outside world knows what’s going on here, right?”
Androux: “I believe that’s the case.”
Me-Me: “So who is actually going to be voting in Oystxit? Is it just everyone here or are there others participating?”
Androux: “You know what, I have absolutely no idea. I was so caught up in everything, I never even considered that. Hank, do you know anything about this?”
Hank Grimes: “Errrrr…… hmmmm…… let me think……”
Me-Me: “Don’t tell me no-one around here actually knows who’s voting in this thing?”
Anorak: “AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWHHHH I’M JUST HERE FOR THE LAMPPOSTS I WAS PROMISED!”
Boffin: “AAAAAAWWWWHHH SAME HERE!”
PC Underling: “Oooh, ooh, I know! I was talking to one of the Warrens about it earlier!”
Hank Grimes: “Well spit it out man!”
PC Underling: “Let’s see…… we have me and you, that makes two. We also have Androux and Me-Me of course, that makes four. Anorak and Boffin as well, that makes six…..”
Me-Me: “What about anyone else not in this room?”
PC Underling: “All of the Warrens obviously, but that’s it I think.”
Hank grimes: “So all the Warrens are going to be voting? Please, forgive me if I think that’s a little biased!”
PC Underling: “Oh heavens no! Since Warrens individually have almost no identity of their own, their vote only counts as one. Except for the Head Warren of course, he gets his own vote.”
Hank Grimes: “So there are only 8 votes?”
PC Underling: “Yep.”
Me-Me: “9 if you include Steve.”
Hank Grimes: “Steve, who’s Steve?”
Me-Me: “You know, Steve. He was here just a few minutes ago.”
PC Underling: “I don’t know anything about anyone called Steve.”
Me-Me: “Oh no, not this again.”
Anorak: “AAAAAAWWWWWHHHH I DON’T KNOW OF ANYONE AROUND HERE CALLED STEVE, ME-ME. I THINK YOU’VE BEEN SMOKING TO MUCH OF THE CRACK!”
Me-Me: “Androux, meet me outside. We need to talk, in private.”
Me-Me walked out of the break room where the others were gathered and into the corridor. Androux followed suit, shutting the door behind them.
Me-Me: “There’s something deeply wrong going on here.”
Androux: “You keep saying that.”
Me-Me: “But it’s true! Whether it’s with Steve or this tiresome Oystxit debacle, this whole thing is just wrong!”
Androux: “I’m inclined to agree Me-Me, but this will be all over soon and I can get back to my mission. It is of utmost importance!”
Me-Me: “We need to leave, right now.”
Androux: “But you’re the one who said we should stay in the first place!”
Me-Me: “I can’t explain it, but I feel like something terrible is going to happen if we continue to stay here. You’ve played your part in Oystxit, perhaps you can convince Hank that we can leave?”
Androux: “I’m not too sure about this Me-Me.”
Me-Me: “Androux – wouldn’t it be great to be done with this whole pointless conflict and get back to the things that really matter? We can even get the old gang back together! It’ll be just like old times: you, me, Derkle, the guy with the annoying voice, the White flower and……. Egh…… Steve.”
Androux: “That’s all I’ve ever really wanted.”
Me-Me: “Great! Let’s go back inside and speak to the others.”
Me-Me re-opened the door to the break room, only to discover that there were more occupants inside than when they had left.
Hank Grimes: “Great news Androux, you’re free to leave now!”
Androux: “Really, how come?”
PC Underling: “We’ve had a little chat with our good friend Steve and he’s convinced us all that we should let you both leave. You know Steve, he always has such brilliant ideas after all!”
Me-Me: “Is that so?”
Hank Grimes: “Androux, you’ve done your part in Oystxit, we can take it from here.”
Me-Me: “And what exactly did you say to them, Steve?”
Me-Me examined the newly-appeared Steve; he stared back, but his gaze seemed to go right through her, as if she wasn’t really there at all.
PC Underling: “Oh Steve! You never were much of a talker, were you?”
Steve said nothing.
Hank Grimes: “Don’t worry yourselves about it, everything here is completely under control.”
PC Underling: “Oystxit is pretty much in the bag, so you can leave whenever you like. Thanks for your help!”
Anorak: “AAAAAWWWWWWWWWHHHH I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN THE JOURNEY’S AHEAD!”
BOFFIN: “AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWHHHHHH SAME HERE!”
Me-Me looked incredibly perplexed by the whole scenario.
Androux: “Hooray!”
Androux excitedly raced through Woolworths searching for the exit, whilst Me-Me followed sluggishly with uncertainty in her steps. The sacred gates of Woolworths creaked open and Androux ran out to the parked Cyan-Eyes Off-White Dragon.
Androux: “Come on Me-Me, time is of the essence!”
Me-Me: “Hold on, I’m coming!”
Androux boarded the dragon, ready to take flight, but then he remembered that flying dragons was Me-Me’s job. After all, Androux had graduated in flower picking at the University of Cambridge and didn’t attend any dragon flying classes.
Androux: “First of all, we need to find Mayor, ehem, President Derkle to find out what he knows. That would be the best place to start.”
Me-Me: “This just doesn’t seem right.”
Androux: “For heaven’s sake Me-Me, nothing ever seems right according to you! We both wanted to leave, right? Well now we can! What’s there to complain about?”
Me-Me: “So you aren’t going to question why Steve suddenly reappeared to convince everyone else that we should leave?”
Androux: “I don’t have time to question such things, time is of the essence!”
Me-Me: “So you keep saying, but maybe there’s a reason Steve doesn’t want us around anymore, have you even considered that?”
Androux: “I’m sure they’ll be fine – Anorak will take good care of them.”
Me-Me: “Speaking of which….”
Anorak had come through the gates after Androux and Me-Me, presumably to see them off.
Anorak: “AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHH HELLO AGAIN! I THOUGHT I’D COME AND BID YOU BOTH FAREWELL BEFORE I START SCOUTING THE AREA FOR NEW LAMPPOSTS TO ADD TO MY COLLECTION! I HOPE I’LL BE ABLE TO TAKE SOME OF THEM HOME AND POWER THEM UP WITH MY GARDENER 6LXB!”
Me-Me: “Well good luck with that.”
Anorak: “AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHH THANK YOU ME-ME. IT’S A SHAME THAT WHILST I’M OUT HERE, I MIGHT MISS STEVE’S SPECIAL SURPRISE THAT HE HAS PLANNED FOR US LATER! OH WELL, THE SACRIFICES I MAKE FOR LAMPPOSTS!”
Me-Me: “Special surprise? What special surprise?”
Anorak: “AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWHHHHH I DON’T KNOW, I GUESS THAT’S WHY IT’S A SURPRISE! IT CAN’T BE TOO IMPORTANT THOUGH, OTHERWISE HE WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SO INSISTANT THAT YOU TWO LEAVE AND MISS OUT ON ALL THE FUN! AFTER ALL, HE UNDERSTANDS HOW BUSY YOU TWO ARE.”
Me-Me: “I was right, Steve does want us to leave!”
Anorak: “We don’t have time for this Me-Me. Steve is right, we do have more important things to be getting on with.”
Me-Me: “*Sigh* Fine, but I feel like we’re making a huge mistake here.”
Me-Me boarded the dragon and got ready for take-off.
Androux: “Well Anorak, I guess this is goodbye for now, but I’m sure we’ll meet again soon enough!”
Anorak: “AAAAAWWWWHHH YOU BET! I’M SURE WE’LL BOTH HAVE SOME GREAT STORIES TO TELL AT THE END OF THIS. THOUGH MINE WILL OBVIOUSLY BE BETTER, BECAUSE THEY’LL INVOLVE LAMMPOSTS!”
Me-Me: “Anorak, I would say it’s been pleasant knowing you, but it hasn’t. Goodbye.”
Anorak: “AAAAAAAAAWWWWWHHHH WELL FUCK YOU TOO YOU STUCK UP BITCH!”
Me-Me: “What did you just say to me?”
Anorak: “AAAAAAAWWWWWHHHHHH ERM, NOTHING.”
Me-Me gave Anorak a nasty scowl as the Cyan-Eyes spread its wings and took off into the sky.
RickAndMortyFan69 was doing his weekly shop at ‘Non-Branded Supermarket for legal reasons’, when decided to stop by the toy isle on his way out. There he saw a little girl, who couldn’t have been older than 8, holding an action figure from a popular Sci-Fi film series.
RickAndMortyFan69: “What are you doing?”
Little Girl: “Mummy is going to buy me this Star Wars action figure!”
The girl excitedly showed him the figurine.
Little Girl: “It’s Rey, she’s my favourite Star Wars character. She’s so cool!”
RickAndMortyFan69’s face went red as his blood began to boil. He clenched his fists in rage; though he wasn’t a man of violence (apart from shooting Androux and killing his own father), he couldn’t let this misdemeanour of liking the wrong characters in aging Sci-Fi properties go unpunished – he had to let her know that she was wrong.
RickAndMortyFan69: “ACKSHUALLY I’ll think you’ll find that Rey is objectively the worst Star Wars character ever made she was clearly only added for forced diversity reasons and promote the feminist agenda that’s ruining films everyone knows that The Last Jedi was just an SJW plot made by Anita Sarkeesian to make women not want to sleep with me I don’t know how anyone can even like the Star Wars Sequels when they completely RUINED Luke Skywalker’s character arches it completely fails in comparison to the nuanced and sophisticated multi-layered storytelling of a film like Attack Of The Clones I can’t even believe that people think Attack of The Clones is a bad film it isn’t a bad film okay you just need to read the books the truly understand its genius.”
This was by far, the most terrifying experience of this poor girl’s life so far.
Little Girl: “Mummy! There’s a strange man shouting at me and it’s scary!
The girl ran away in tears to her mother, who was standing in one of the other isles. RickAndMortyFan69 then took out a notebook from his pocket, opened it up and drew another line on what appeared to be a tally chart.
RickAndMortyFan69: “Haha! Another argument won!”
After congratulating himself for destroying a literal child with facts and logic in a heated Star Wars debate, RickAndMortyFan69 paid for his groceries, packed his shopping bags and attempted to leave the store, only to have his exit was blocked by the girl and her mother.
Girl’s mother: “How DARE you speak to my daughter like that, you should be ashamed of yourself!”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Well ackshually, I think YOU are the one who should be ashamed of yourself; you allowed your daughter be exposed to the cultural genocide known as the Star Wars sequels after all!”
Girl’s mother: “The absolute nerve – wait, I know you! You’re the one who made that awful film that came out recently, aren’t you?”
RickAndMortyFan69: “Who, me? No, of course not!”
Girl’s mother: “Don’t deny it, I sat through all 13 hours of that rubbish and it’s definitely you!”
As the row escalated, bystanders started to take notice.
Bystander 1: “Yeah, that’s him! He played the part of Luke Skywalker’s new best friend: ‘Derek the coolest who is loved by everyone’ in that crap film.”
Bystander 2: “Ha! What a load of self-indulgent tripe!”
As the crowd began to surround him, RickAndMortyFan69 became more and more aware that this was an argument he couldn’t win.
RickAndMortyFan69: “So what if my film wasn’t that good? You don’t know me; you don’t know what I’ve been through!”
Girl’s mother: “Yet you still judge others for what they like, you’re disgraceful.”
RickAndMortyFan69: “I’m sorry, ok! I’ll go now if that makes things easier.”
Bystander 3: “Sorry isn’t going to put things right this time, we don’t take kindly to types who make sub-par films around here.”
Bystander 4: “Let’s get him!”
The angry mob reached for the fruit and veg isle, hurling whatever food produce they could get their hands on at RickAndMortyFan69. He did his best to shield himself from the onslaught of food, but it was too overwhelming. The vegetable-based torture went on and on, but eventually the disgruntled masses got tired and dissipated, allowing RickAndMortyFan69 to finally escape this humiliation. The bystanders that remained laughed at him on his way out, as concoction of vegetable juices dripped from his clothes with every step.