Androux – Book 2 – Volume 8

SouthParkFan420: “Wakey wakey sleepy head!”

The bedroom curtains quickly drew open, awakening RickAndMortyFan69 from his slumber. He shielded his eyes as the morning light flooded the room.

SouthParkFan420: “It’s your thirteenth birthday today and you know what that means?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Ugghhh…..”

RickAndMortyFan69 rolled over and attempted to get back to sleep, indicating to his father that his ideal birthday present was a solid lie-in.

SouthParkFan420: “It’s time for your initiation!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Daaaaaaaad, do I have to?”

SouthParkFan420: “Of course you do, this is the day when you will finally ascend into manhood! What happens today will define you for the rest of your life, aren’t you excited?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Do I have a choice?”

SouthParkFan420: “No. Now get dressed, we’re leaving in half an hour.”

RickAndMortyFan69 begrudgingly did as he was told and got dressed, had breakfast and got ready to leave. The car ride to their destination was around 20 minutes and was mostly a silent journey, as the two never really talked much. A decent way into the trip, SouthParkFan420 eventually tried to strike up a conversation with his son.

SouthParkFan420: “Sooooooo……. How’s school?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Not great, I get picked on a lot.”

SouthParkFan420: “Oh look son, we’re almost there! Can you see it?”

A massive cathedral-like structure loomed up at them on the horizon; its outwards appearance was a bizarre blend of medieval architecture with some kind of H.R. Geiger-esque monstrosity. The surrealist design of the building served as a giant middle-finger to whatever constitutes for traditional floor plans. The monolithic spires that adorned the structure were enthralled by constructed tendrils and spines that were almost alien in nature. A lump formed in RickAndMortyFan69’s throat as his car journey brought him closer to the cathedral.

RickAndMortyFan69: “We-we aren’t seriously going in there, are we?”

SouthParkFan420: “Of course we are Rick! It’s where your initiation is taking place, after all.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Dad, do I really have to do this?”

SouthParkFan420: “Yes you do, it is your destiny to follow in my footsteps. That’s what you’ve always wanted right, to finally make your father proud?”

RickAndMortyFan69 said nothing, afraid to say anything that his father might consider ‘out of line’.

SouthParkFan420: “You’ll come around soon enough. We’re here now anyway.”

The two of them pulled up outside the enormous structure and exited the car. RickAndMortyFan69’s heart ground to a halt as the massive gates creaked open.

SouthParkFan420: “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

It took a moment for RickAndMortyFan69’s eyes to adjust to the bright, clean interior of the cathedral that so rapidly contrasted with its dark and imposing exterior, to the point where it was almost impossible to believe that the inside and outside belonged to the same building. One could have almost described it as ‘pleasant’, if it weren’t for all the cloaked figures holding daggers that lined the outside of the nave.

SouthParkFan420: “Come, my boss will be waiting for you.”

SouthParkFan420 took his son through the nave of the cathedral, which seemingly went on forever, passing even more cloaked figures as they went by. These cultists, or whoever they were, remained completely still without even appearing to acknowledge the existence of their two guests. Approximately halfway to wherever their destination resided, RickAndMortyFan69 noticed a small corridor extending off to the side. There was a door at the end of it that was partially open, giving the frightened teenager a small insight to what monstrosities lay inside. He saw chair in the dark, surrounded by giant saws and blades that could only inflict unspeakable horror onto its occupant. He thought it was a torture chamber at first, but then he caught a glimpse of a small table displaying a selection of medical apparatus, such as needles and scalpels. It looked like they were conducting some kind of experiments in there, but what for and on whom? RickAndMortyFan69 could only speculate to what kind of madness was going on in there.

SouthParkFan420: “That’s the conversion chamber. But don’t worry, you won’t be going in there. I’d never put you through that.”

The pair of them finally made it to the apse where the initiation was to take place. Much like the rest of the building, everything was painted in various shades of white, giving the room a rather dreamlike aesthetic. All of the objects and furniture were very angular and boxy, also painted white. They could see exactly two people standing by the altar; one of them was a woman with long, dark, but slightly greyed hair, indicating that she might’ve been in her mid-forties. Judging by the way she dressed, RickAndMortyFan69 assumed that she was some kind of priestess, as she was wearing all of the appropriate religious attire. The other person was a male security guard, armed with only a pistol and wearing some rather poorly maintained riot gear. The altar itself was nothing special, simply being a plinth that displayed a giant circle carved from marble. RickAndMortyFan69 found the minimalist architecture of the place rather disturbing, as it felt like the building had been sterilised of all humanity and soul. Before he could continue to analyse the artistry (or lack thereof) of his surroundings, the teenager was approached by the priestess, who gave him a smile that managed to be surprisingly comforting albeit slightly creepy.

Jane Walker: “Hello my child! How are you on this fine day?”

RickAndMortyFan69 didn’t answer.

Jane Walker: “Nervous I take it? Don’t worry! I’m sure everything will go perfectly. And what about you Mr SouthParkFan420, I take you are well today?”

SouthParkFan420: “I’m very well, thank you. How’s your work been going?”

Jane Walker: “Oh it’s been going wonderfully! As you can see, our base of operations has been successfully completed. Soon we will be able to spread our word of peace and unity to the whole world!”

SouthParkFan420: “That’s excellent news, so what’s our next step?”

Jane Walker: “That’s a good question my friend; I’ve been struggling to decide the best way to communicate our wisdom to the rest of the world. Unfortunately, people just aren’t willing to accept us yet, which is a shame. I offer salvation for everyone, but people are too hesitant to take it.”

SouthParkFan420: “The greatest pioneers are always unappreciated at first”.

Jane Walker: “And so it seems. Therefore I’m thinking we apply a little more….. aggression to our operation.”

SouthParkFan420: “What are you suggesting?”

Jane Walker: “I’m planning on dedicating a division of our good organisation to enforce our way of life onto the people. Maybe scare a few people our way, make them feel like they have no other choice but to join us.”

SouthParkFan420: “Like some kind of police force?”

Jane Walker: “Precisely my friend! I know it seems overzealous, but it’s the only way to save them. Anyway, now is not the time to be talking business, we have your son’s initiation to consider after all.”

SouthParkFan420: “You’re quite right. I will make the final preparations. Guard!”

Security Guard: “Yes Mr SouthParkFan420?”

SouthParkFan420: “You’re with me.”

Security: “Yes Sir!

Once SouthParkFan420 and the guard disappeared into one of the back rooms, the priestess took a seat on church pew, whilst RickAndMortyFan69 aimlessly wandered around the apse.

Jane Walker: “Come, sit with me child.”

The priestess patted the seat next to her, signalling to RickAndMortyFan69 that he should come over and share in her moment of quiet contemplation. Reluctantly, he did.

Jane Walker: “What troubles you, my child?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t want to be here.”

Jane Walker: “And why’s that?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “It’s my dad; he never lets me choose what I want to do. It’s not fair, this was all his idea!”

Jane Walker: “Your father only wants what’s best for you. I know he might seem harsh, but he does love you, truly.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “But he just wants me to be exactly like him! He doesn’t even like anything about me. Everything that makes me different from him, he tries to change!”

The priestess sat silently for a few seconds, admiring the altar.

Jane Walker: “I hear you aren’t having a good time at school.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “No, I’m not.”

Jane Walker: “You feel…. Out of place, like no-one understands you, am I correct?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes, I’m just completely different from everyone else. I guess I just don’t belong…”

Jane Walker: “I was like you once; lost, confused, scared, alienated from my peers. I felt like the whole world was against me.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “How did you deal with it?”

Jane Walker: “I created this place – a place where outcasts like you and me can find solitude. A place where those who have been stepped on and ignored for so long can finally be surrounded by like-minded people. You probably don’t realise it right now my child, but for the first time in your life, you are home.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “I’m not sure I understand.”

Jane Walker: “That loneliness and isolation you’re feeling; wouldn’t it be great if no-one would ever feel that way again?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes, yes, I would like that a lot.”

Jane Walker: “Wouldn’t it wonderful if people weren’t so separated over their tiny, insignificant differences; that everyone just thought the same, shared the same ideas and interests, so no-one felt left out?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Um…. I don’t know.”

Jane Walker: “I hear doubt in your voice my child. Don’t worry, I’m not angry with you, it’s perfectly understandable even. What we are striving for is quite radical.”

The priestess got up and started slowly pacing by the altar, carefully mulling over her next words.

Jane Walker: “So much pain and suffering has been caused in the name of the things that separates us from one another; whether it be our insignificant personal preferences, like what films or music we enjoy, or issues on a much grander scale. Race, gender, religion, politics; we spend so much time bickering about these ideals, but what do we accomplish? Nothing! Just because we can never agree amongst ourselves on what’s best. It’s a joke really; all we create is more misery, more destruction, more isolation and more death. What a waste.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “But what are we supposed to do about it?”

Jane Walker: “That’s when I realised something; the only way humanity could ever achieve peace was if we were to eradicate all our individual differences. Only then can we truly reform ourselves and unify under one set of rules, one set of beliefs. Think about it – there would be no conflict, no war, no suffering, only….. consensus.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “I don’t know, that sounds a bit extreme….”

Jane Walker: “So it is, but I endeavour to spread the message as peacefully as I can. All it requires is a bit of re-education.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Hmm… But if everyone thinks the same way, who will decide what those thoughts are in the first place?”

The priestess smiled.

Jane Walker: “I will.”

Whilst the two were having their enthralling ethical discussion (which RickAndMortyFan69 severely underprepared for), SouthParkFan420 and the guard were in the final stages of the initiation’s setup.

SouthParkFan420: “Is everyone accounted for?”

Guard: “Yes sir!”

SouthParkFan420: “Is the sacred chalice prepared?”

Guard: “Yes sir, of course sir!”

SouthParkFan420: “Have my ceremonial robes been cleaned?”

Guard: “Yessir, they’re waiting for you in the changing room sir.”

SouthParkFan420: “Good, good. Say, you’ve been working with us for quite a while now, haven’t you soldier?”

Guard: “I’ve been under Miss Walker’s employment for some time now sir.”

SouthParkFan420: “So I’ve noticed. We’re both very impressed with your dedication to our cause.”

Guard: “Just doing my bit to help the movement sir.”

SouthParkFan420: “What’s your name son?”

Guard: “My name? You want to know my name?”

SouthParkFan420: “Of course I do soldier, otherwise I wouldn’t’ve asked!”

Guard: “…… Deathbringer, destroyer of worlds, harbinger of evil, murderer of the innocent…… sir.”

SouthParkFan420: “That’s your real name?”

Guard: “Yessir, it’s the name my mother gave me; she wanted to make sure I strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, sir”

SouthParkFan420: “Well it’s certainly a scary name, but it’s a bit long winded and hard to remember. Also, I would prefer something that’s a bit more entertaining. How about I call you something else, just to lighten the tone?”

Guard: “If you want sir.”

SouthParkFan420: “How about……. Officer Buttmunch?”

Guard: “Officer Buttmunch? You want to call me Officer Buttmunch?”

SouthParkFan420: “Why not? It’s a funnier, less scary name that rolls off the tongue easier.”

Guard: “Well I’m not exactly in a position to disagree with you sir.”

SouthParkFan420: “Excellent, I knew you’d like it! From henceforth, you shall be known as Officer Buttmunch!”

Officer Buttmunch: “Hooray.”

Once their exchange was over, SouthParkFan420 donned his ceremonial robes in the changing room whilst the newly christened Officer Buttmunch waited outside. A few minutes later, the changing room door dramatically flew open and SouthParkFan420 elegantly walked out, wearing his fancy new robes with pride.

SouthParkFan420: “Ahhh, it’s a great day to be king!”

Officer Buttmunch: “I didn’t know you were a king sir?”

SouthParkFan420: “I’m not, it just makes me feel good, makes me feel powerful! Anyway, the initiation awaits us.”

Officer Buttmunch: “I’ll inform the others sir.”

SouthParkFan420: “No need! I’ll do it. Instead, would you do the honour of fetching the sacred chalice?”

Officer Buttmunch: “I would be honoured to be given such a responsibility sir!”

SouthParkFan420: “I knew you wouldn’t let me down! Meet me back in the nave as soon as you’re done.”

Officer Buttmunch: “Yessir!”

Once the officer had left to fetch the chalice, SouthParkFan420 returned to the main part of the cathedral to regroup with his son and the priestess.

SouthParkFan420: “Jane, do you mind if I had a word with you – in private?”

Jane Walker: “Why of course. Child, would you mind just waiting here for a moment whilst me and you father discuss things?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Go ahead.”

The two of them only moved slightly out of earshot of RickAndMortyFan69 before beginning their supposedly secretive conversation.

Jane Walker: “So, what’s on your mind?”

SouthParkFan420: “It’s about our guard – I have plans for him.”

Jane Walker: “Ah yes, Mr Deathbringer, a very good man. What do you have in mind?”

SouthParkFan420: “First of all, his name is now Officer Buttmunch.”

Jane Walker: “May I ask why?”

SouthParkFan420: “I thought it would be funny.”

Jane Walker: “That’s perfectly understandable, I guess. What else?”

SouthParkFan420: “He’s been very loyal and of great use to us, it would be a shame if something bad were to happen to him.”

Jane Walker: “Where exactly are you going with this?”

SouthParkFan420: “I’m saying that it’s time we consider upgrading him.”

Jane Walker: “You mean…. sending him to the conversion chamber?!”

SouthParkFan420: “Precisely.”

Jane Walker: “But it hasn’t been properly tested yet! If something were to go wrong, we could lose him forever!”

SouthParkFan420: “But if it goes right, he could be our servant for all time. Think about it: we upgrade someone like him, then it’s ensured that our work will be continued long after we’re dead.”

Jane Walker: “But there is no-one else like him.”

SouthParkFan420: “Precisely.”

The priestess paused in contemplation for a few moments.

Jane Walker: “I’m unsure of this myself, but if you think it’s right, then I trust your judgment.”

SouthParkFan420: “Thank you Miss Walker, you won’t regret this. I will send him to the chamber as soon as he comes back! May as well have two initiations today instead of one, am I right?”

The priestess said nothing as she walked back to the altar and took position ready for RickAndMortyFan69’s initiation, whilst SouthParkFan420 returned to his son’s side. A few moments later, Officer Buttmunch re-entered the room carrying a large chalice that contained strange white liquid in it.

Officer Buttmunch: “Sir, I bring to you the sacred chalice with the suspicious white liquid in it!”

The officer bent down on one knee and handed SouthParkFan420 the chalice, who took it from him.

SouthParkFan420: “Excellent work Buttmunch! Unfortunately, I’ve decided that we no longer have use for you in your – how shall I put it – ‘current form.’”

The officer recoiled in shock.

Officer Buttmunch: “Sir, excuse me for asking, but is this a joke?”

SouthParkFan420: “It’s no joke.”

Officer Buttmunch: “Sir, b-but I don’t understand, I thought I was serving you and Miss Walker exceptionally!”

SouthParkFan420: “You have been; your service to us has been absolutely outstanding! You should be proud of yourself.”

Officer Buttmunch: “Then why are you firing me!?”

SouthParkFan420: “Oh, we’re not firing you, anything but! In fact, we’re extending your contract indefinitely, but not without some changes.”

Officer Buttmunch: “Wh-what kind of changes, sir?”

SouthParkFan420: “Me and Miss Walker have decided that you – yes YOU, are the first to be upgraded in our new conversion chamber!”

The officer started to slowly back away in fear.

Officer Buttmunch: “You mean…. You’re sending me in THERE? Oh no.”

SouthParkFan420: “But I thought you’d like it; you’ll be able to continue working for us at an even more efficient level.”

Officer Buttmunch: “But I’ll be completely mutilated! I wouldn’t even be human anymore!”

SouthParkFan420: “True, but you’ll be able to wear some sweet armour. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”

Officer Buttmunch: “NO!”

SouthParkFan420: “Well it’s not like you have a choice in this.”

SouthParkFan420 snapped his fingers and several cultists that had been standing idly by circled the officer.

Officer Buttmunch: “No…. please, I beg of you. Don’t do this to me!”

SouthParkFan420: “Too late, I’ve already made up my mind!”

The officer took out his pistol in order to defend himself, but one of the cultists snuck up behind him and hit the weapon out of his hand. One of the other cultists kicked the gun across the floor in the off-chance that Buttmunch would attempt to re-arm himself. The frightened officer made a break for the emergency exit, but was cut off by even more cultists.

SouthParkFan420: “There’s nowhere to run, Buttmunch.”

Officer Buttmunch: “I’ll fucking kill you for this.”

The officer made a lunge at SouthParkFan420, but two cultists grabbed each of his arms and were able to hold him back. Buttmunch wasn’t going down without a fight, so even more cultists had to come and restrain him. He mustered up all of his strength to try and shake them off, but it was futile.

SouthParkFan420: “Well it seems that you aren’t as obedient as I thought Mr Buttmunch. But don’t worry, we can fix that.”

Officer Buttmunch: “You fucking BASTARD! If there’s anything left of me after this, I will never forgive this betrayal!”

SouthParkFan420: “Oh, but you will! As Miss Walker said to me: ‘all it requires is a bit of re-education!’ It will be a lot easier when we start tampering with your brain though.”

Officer Buttmunch: “You don’t want world peace, do you? All you want is a bunch of slaves!”

SouthParkFan420: “You disappoint me Buttmunch, I thought you were willing to do anything for our cause. Still, I have faith that all your impurities will be cleansed after the conversion.”

Officer Buttmunch: “You’re a monster!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Father, what are you doing?”

Disturbed by all the commotion, RickAndMortyFan69 ran over to see what was going on.

SouthParkFan420: “Son, stay back! This has nothing to do with you!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “What are you doing to that man? Let him go!”

RickAndMortyFan69 tried to pull one of the cultists away from Buttmunch, but his father stepped in the way and pushed him to the floor.

RickAndMortyFan69: “Ow!”

SouthParkFan420: “Know your place, child!”

Officer Buttmunch: “Whatever happens kid, never turn out to be like him.”

SouthParkFan420: “Like he has a choice. Take him away!”

Officer Buttmunch kicked and screamed as the hooded cultists dragged him down the corridor to the conversion chamber. The screams became muffled when chamber door shut, then were eventually drowned out by the sounds of saw blades cutting through flesh.

RickAndMortyFan69: “But dad….. Why?!”

SouthParkFan420: “It was for his own good. One day, you’ll understand.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “I’ll never understand you! Everything you don’t like you try to change! Why can’t you just let things be?”

SouthParkFan420: “It’s all part of the new world order my son – you’re either with us, or against us. There’s no in-between.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “I never understood your obsession with this ‘new world order’! Mum never understood either!”

SouthParkFan420 flinched slightly.

SouthParkFan420: “Well mother isn’t here now, is she? I’m all you’ve got. I’m all that you’ll ever have, so you better get used to it.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “NO! I refuse to have any more to do with this!”

SouthParkFan420 grabbed his son’s arm and pulled him close, looking directly into his eyes. RickAndMortyFan69 started to tear up.

SouthParkFan420: “Listen here you little shit. You’re going to die today; everything that you are now will be erased and, in its place, will be the son I’ve always wanted you to be. I know you’ve never liked me – you’ve always gone out of your way to deliberately disobey me – but as of today, that’s all going to change.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Dad…… please……”

SouthParkFan420: “Come with me. It’s time for the initiation.”

SouthParkFan420 dragged his son down the aisle towards the altar, his other hand still holding the sacred chalice. The priestess was waiting for them by the altar, who seemed unmoved by all the commotion going on in the cathedral. The two of them marched down the aisle, whilst all the cultists looked onwards. After a short walk that seemed excruciatingly long in RickAndMortyFan69’s mind, they arrived at the altar, where his father handed the priestess the chalice.

Jane Walker: “Now, the ceremony can finally begin.”

The priestess held the chalice up high; the light from the windows reflected off it.

Jane Walker: “First, RickAndMortyFan69, you must consume….. THE CUM CHALICE!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “The WHAT chalice!?”

Jane Walker: “THE CUM CHALICE!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Ewww, I’m not drinking that! That’s disgusting!”

Jane Walker: “It’s not what you think it is, it’s only milk. Your father just wanted it to be called that because ‘it would be funny’”.

SouthParkFan420: “Damn straight, now drink up!”

The priestess pushed the chalice in front of the initiate’s face; he examined it for a few seconds, then glanced back at his father, who was looking very expectant of him. After a few seconds of uncomfortable eye contact, RickAndMortyFan69 centred back on the chalice, seeing his reflection in the liquid. Finally, he started to take a sip. A few uncomfortable sips later, he passed the empty chalice back to the priestess.

Jane Walker: “The Cum chalice has been consumed! I should probably warn you RickAndMortyFan69, there is a very rare side effect to consuming the Cum chalice: you might evolve into a guy in his 30s that takes almost a decade to make a demo for some awful anime video game, whilst bleeding money from your fans on Patreon that you use to spend on Samus Aran sex dolls. You’ll also spend more time banning people from your discord than actually developing your game, slowly alienating yourself from anyone that might actually want to help you.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “You could’ve told me that before!”

Jane Walker: “Don’t worry about it. As I said, it’s incredibly rare. There’s only one person that’s got it and his name is Yander-.”

SouthParkFan420: “Ahem! I feel like we’re getting a bit off topic.”

Jane Walker: “Quite right.”

The priestess signalled to one of the cultists, who passed her a large metal sword that had a circle engraved into its blade, presumably to match the altar design. After taking a moment to admire the elegant craftsmanship of the sword, she gently placed the blade on RickAndMortyFan69’s shoulder.

Jane Walker: “Do you, RickAndMortyFan69, promise to uphold the word of…… of……. Erm……. SouthParkFan420, did we decide on a name for our religion?”

SouthParkFan420: “I thought you said you were going to come up with a name!”

Jane Walker: “Well I’ve been a bit busy! *Sigh* Never mind, the ceremony must go on. RickAndMortyFan69, do you promise to uphold the word of ‘our religion’ for as long as you live?”

RickAndMortyFan69 said nothing.

SouthParkFan420: “Well say yes then!”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes, Ok, I will!”

Jane Walker: “Good; will you set aside your individual desires and focus on the needs of the many?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “……Yes.”

Jane Walker: “And finally, do you agree to reject your current identity, leave behind everything you are now and become the person we need you to be?”

A tear trickled down RickAndMortyFan69’s face and dripped onto the white floor.

RickAndMortyFan69: “I will.”

Jane Walker: “Excellent. The ceremony is now complete. RickAndMortyFan69, you are now one of us.”


*Ring ring*

???????: “Hello?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Hi. It’s me.”

???????: “Ah, Mr MortyFan, I was wondering when you’d get back to me! How have you been since our previous encounter.”

RickAndMortyFan69: “I’ve been better.”

???????: “Sooooo, have you considered our little proposition?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “Yes.”

???????: “Aaaaaaannnnd?”

RickAndMortyFan69: “I’m in.”

Book 2